babyblog

These days

2012-01-03T21:36:00.002-05:00

Jack, silly-rambling-talking boy, says to me on the phone "Grandma and Grandpa took us to the zoo. Are we allowed to go to the zoo these days?" These days. Yes, son, you are allowed to go to the zoo these days. "I don't like any girl friends, I just like boy friends." I'll enjoy that while it lasts, I guess.

Nate, Daddy-loving-kiss-eschewing boy, when I tell him goodnight, that I love him, says in a world-weary way "I love you too." When G&G took them to a movie and there was a kiss, Nate broke the silence of the theater with a loud "Ohhhh!" of horror which made the movie-goers laugh. I'll enjoy that while it lasts, too.

Perfect imperfect boys. Perfect imperfect life.

Little Man

2011-12-12T21:26:00.003-05:00

Some people love the phrase, some people hate it, but a lot of people around here call their little boys "Little Man." I use it occasionally on both kids, but more and more I think it when I look at Nate.

A few days ago Deborah was over and she and I were sitting around with Nate. He was sitting on a stool next to the red couch , leaning over with his forearms resting on his knees, hands clasped. He watched the TV a bit, chatted a bit, was quieter and calmer than usual. And I saw him, the young man he's going to be. I can see him, straight and tall and good.

There was a weird turning point in the middle of our cruise (post to come, I promise) where he started getting really good about using his manners (an on-going point of frustration for me). Lots of "yes, please"s and "no, thank you"s. It's continued into this first week back home. He seems calmer somehow, less frantic and "spazzy." He's playing nicely with Jack; not just running around and messing with him, but teaching him football and coming up with imagination games.

He likes me right now. He wants to sit next to me while I'm working in the recliner and they're watching TV. He wants me to take them to bed and read to them, even though I keep it to 2 books and kisses and Daddy wrestles with them for 20 minutes and reads 4 books and they linger on and on until Mama yells up the stairs to turn the light off!

Stewart wanted to put a light up on the top bunk for Nate and I found a cheap clip-on one at Target. For the last few weeks, Nate asks to keep reading for a while after I leave. He looks through comic books mostly, but reads some regular ones too. I never call up for him to turn it off and it's always off and dark when I go to bed around 11. It's really fantastic. His reading has gotten really good; a recent assessment from school showed him at reading level "J" which is their target for him for the end of the year! He was only supposed to be at level "F" right now. Once I decoded the system, I was pleased as punch.

He's growing up. We talk together. He's thoughtful, and understands things like "I need a little time alone." I know I'm going to mis these days desperately, but I'm also really looking forward to seeing him at 10, and 15, and 25. I can't wait.

Jack Attack

2011-11-04T09:32:00.003-04:00

A few days ago, Jack and I were at CVS for a checkup and a prescription. While we were waiting, I decided to take a hit of Jack-love. It went terribly wrong, and yet oh-so-right.

Me: "Jack, do you love Mama?"
Jack: "Well I used to love you when I was a baby, but now I just love Daddy."
Me: "Well, you know, you can love Mama and Daddy..."
Jack: "Um...no fanks!"

A few days ago I found the clip of Mr. Rogers showing us how crayons are made and showed the boys, who were fascinated. They were telling Stewart about it over dinner and Jack asked if he could show Stewart. I told him he could show Daddy after dinner which leads to him asking: "Can we pause dinner?" The Tivo generation at work!

Stewart's new job has him leaving really early in the morning, and Jack misses him a lot. Almost every morning he asks me where Daddy is, and moans "But I want to seeeeeeee him!" when I tell him Daddy is at work. A few morning ago we had this same conversation; me downstairs and Jack at the top of the stairs, hidden to me. After the standard back and forth, Jack continues on: "I don't want you, I want Daddy!" I tell him I know, that we'll get to see Daddy tonight when he gets home. A few seconds later, Jack says "I'm sorry, Mama." I ask what he's sorry for, and he says "I'm sorry to hurt your feelings."

Jack is delicious and sensitive and lovely and is going to make some woman (or man!) very very happy someday. For now, he continues to make all of us so happy. How did we ever live without him?!

Nate's Monthly Newsletter, Six Years Old!

2011-09-28T10:26:00.003-04:00

Dear Nate,

You are six. You started first grade. Every single day when I head to the "first grade" area outside school to pick you up, I second-guess myself because there's no way I could have a first-grader. None. And yet...

Somehow you ended up with 3 parties; a school party (goody bags and rainbow fruit salad), a family party (Grandma, Grandpa, Deborah, a scavenger hunt, and your requested meal of Costco pepperoni pizza, caesar salad, and mini ice-cream-cookie-sandwiches for dessert), and a friend party. We took the friend party over to Kennedy Rec and played some games out in the big field. Then back to the house for munches and juice, then you all played some insane game in the basement. I have no idea what was going on down there; nobody was crying so I stayed as far away as I could.

Among my many excuses for not keeping up with this blog very much is the fact that you're not changing as much as you did when you were a wee baby so there's not as much to record. But since I've slacked off for so long, there really are some changes I want to make sure to remember.

Your bottom middle right tooth was loose for forever and I kept asking Daddy to pull it out but he wouldn't go for it. I think you liked freaking me out by flipping it completely down (90 degrees from where it should have been!) and actually got a little offended when I was too disgusted to look. Sorry kid; I'm only human. And of course Mommy was right to ask Daddy to pull it out; I got a call from you when you were headed out to Charlottesville that your tooth had finally fallen out! And you'd swallowed it! Of course.

So you and I took a few pictures of the hole and wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy explaining the mishap. She took you at your word and left you a Bionicle. She's a good one.

Your reading has finally blossomed. Tonight you read a whole book to me (Charlie & Lola, I Can't Stop Hiccuping) and other than a few weird words you did the entire thing yourself. Your teacher came up to me about a week after school started to say that you were doing great in class; having fun and participating a lot. She said she really enjoyed having you in her class. When I hear things like that I see this future spooling out ahead of you like a red carpet; doors open all the way. You make me so proud.

Every day after school you put your lunch in the sink and your lunchbox away. Then we check on your homework packet and decide how many pages you have to do to keep up. Today you had to do two pages; you decided to do three. Then you have to spend 10 minutes reading alone; today you decided to do 15. You like to work hard and accomplish things. And good gracious what a change in attitude from last year when I was tempted to just put the darn homework packet down the disposal rather than face our daily battles. Ugh.

Did I forget to blog about our homework battles last year? It was probably my subconscious putting it's fingers in it's ears and chanting "nah nah nah nah nah nah" over and over trying to forget about it. It went mostly like this:

I was patient, you were defiant, I was less patient, you were whiney, I was irritated, you were obstinate, I yelled, you cried, and then we finished one page of homework. Repeat 793 times. Excellent.

During our time traveling around this summer we got to spend a lot of time at hotels swimming pools and you really took to the water. I try to be pretty honest about your skills and when you're actually good or if the Mommy sunglasses are clouding things, and I think you truly have an affinity for the water. At Peepa's house late this summer you started diving off the stars - absolutely nobody had taught you how or encouraged you to even try it.

You also turned flips under the water - three times in one go! Even I find that hard to do. We just enrolled you in a swimming class at the JCC and after Daddy took you once he said that you were so much better than the other kids he was afraid you'd be ignored. And your Daddy doesn't say things like that lightly; he's usually a "go along to get along" kind of guy. You told me that they'd had you float on our back for 10 seconds and you did it the first time. Needless to say, you'd never done it at all before, let alone for 10 seconds. Very impressive. I think we'll be bumping you up a level.

Six is much, much better than 5 was. Six is joking around, almost like friends. Six is you trying new things all on your own. Six is you starting to really take care of Jack; turning the light on for him in the bathroom and helping him out of his booster seat. And the best thing about six is that you're starting to be affectionate with me for really the first time. We have a kissing routine at night, and you sometimes sleepily hold my hand or let me rub your back. I went away this past weekend to do a 60-mile Komen walk and when I saw you and Jack at a pit stop you both ran to me, both held onto me, both wanted to sit in my lap. Driving home after the walk, you said "I'm glad you're back." Coming from you, it meant so much.

I love you insanely.
Mama

Two for One!

2011-08-15T09:26:00.003-04:00

What's this?

Two lunches? Two snacks? What could be happening?

Two boys! Two boys heading to camp, eating two snacks and two lunches. Camp!

I was dropping Nate off at his daycamp last week and realized a lot of the kids looked really small. My brain finally caught up with my eyes and I realizd that the camp is for kids who are 3 1/2 to 6. Jack is...3 1/2! Called and signed him up that very day. Today was his first day, and drop-off went beautifully.

I walked him in since it was his first day and got him settled at his table. He's a Tiger, and very pleased about it. I told his counselor that he's never been in a full-day program before, that I had no idea how he was going to do, but that he was great at his morning program and shouldn't be too much trouble. Mostly that he needs a lot more direction than the big kids, and I wanted to make sure she remembered that. And not to lose him, because I really really like him. Jack was unphased, and got straight to coloring at his table. He waved bye-bye and pipsqueaked "Bye Mom! Have a great day!"

Now I'm home and all nervous. It's supposed to rain today and he gets super-scared of rain. What if he gets scared? Ugh. I hate this. But I know he's capable of more than I think he is, and Nate is there to comfort him if need be. I know that he'll be fine.

This is hard.

Road trip recap - Indy!

2011-08-07T23:36:00.009-04:00

It's hard to know where to start on this post! What a whirlwind this past month has been, and settling back in at home has been the only hard part about it. But Nate heads off to camp tomorrow so life will calm down a bit. I'm just going to take this bit by bit (inch by inch, I tell the boys! Or bird by bird).

Here's the only pic I have of me with the girls...so sweet!

So then we moved out of the hotel into my friend Ashley's house for a few days. We met four years ago, right after I'd had Jack and she was pregnant with her first child. We got to chatting about baby gear in the aisle at Target, and somehow turned it into a real friendship! It was so great to get to spend some time with her and her kids. Unfortunately Jack came down with croup (which I was worried was strep since Nate had recently gotten it) and we spent a lot of time dealing with after-hours care. She even took Nate to a play area with both of her kids so I could stay home and nurse Jack on our second day there. It wasn't the visit I'd imagined, but it was a heck of a lot better than nothing. Somehow I ended up with ZERO photos of our time together. The most rewarding part was that little Bella, who'd always been so shy when they lived here in DC, finally took a liking to me. It felt wonderful.

While we were there, we took a morning to visit the Indy Children's Museum. It kills me that we don't have a Children's Museum here in DC; they're always filled with so much SCIENCE and my boy Nate loves him some SCIENCE, so whenever we're nearby one I make a pilgrimage. This one had us at "dino."

And "transformer."

This was the actual model they used for the actual movie. Of course Nate hasn't even since the actual preview to the actual movie, but he was still impressed by that fact.

Before we even got inside the main area, we found this amazing exhibit of art masterworks re-created in...Jelly Beans! (Jelly Bellies, I suspect). Neither kid was familiar with the original artworks, but they still got a kick out of them.

Nate absolutely ate up the science area, and we decided we're going to start building a few simple Rube Goldberg's here as a hobby (at least the "rolling ball" sculptures. Not sure they meet the criteria of a Rube Goldberg if they don't set out to accomplish a simple task!) Either way, we are both in love with them. Maybe me more than Nate. Just by a bit. Anyway, our house is gonna get it's science on!

We finished the museum trip with a lovely melt-down by Mr. River, and called it a day. Indy, you are lucky to have such a great museum!

Our last evening in Indy, we even got in a visit with the lovely Kara and her daughters Emma and Olivia. Emma and Nate took an immediate liking to each other, Emma is a total sweetheart. And Miss O is sassy, just like my little one. We headed out to their local pool and splashed around for a while; Kara packed us a great picnic dinner. Then Dairy Queen for dinner, and we drove back to Ashley's house sticky, and far too late.

Next up...Ohio!

Road trip!

2011-07-10T11:13:00.017-04:00

On Thursday afternoon, the boys and I drove away for a 4-week road-trip. Very exciting. I made an internal commitment to blog every night but obviously it hasn't happened. By the time I get them showered, brushed, pj'd, read-to, and in bed, I have enough energy to zone out on Frontierville for 30 minutes and then get into bed. Where I get molested by Jack ALL NIGHT LONG. His future wife will either love him or hate him. The boy is handsey.

We're getting ready to meet Beth & Scott, and all three kids, at a state park in less than an hour, but I wanted to make sure to get some photos up so that Stewart doesn't disintegrate into a puddle of need anytime today. He misses his boys.

It rained most of the way from Rockville to Uniontown, PA. Nate took this out his window:

He took this one of Jack coloring on a puffy tray. Jack is VERY into coloring right now. And a confirmed lefty.

Driving

Pennsylvania

Hotel!

TV at the hotel (what a MAN, even with Pink Doll in his arms):

Sleeping on the road from PA to Indiana

Ohio

Cracker Barrel

Indiana!

Nate and a baby (Evelyn? Olivia? I have no idea!) Nate is madly in love with these babies. He wants to hold them all the time. He loves when they grip his fingers. He kisses their heads and strokes their cheeks. Jack is similarly besotted. These boys deserve to be big brothers again!

Nate, Sam, Olivia, and Evelyn

Hotel again. We love staying in hotels!

Have dinosaurs, will travel.

This boy is very little trouble. Sassy, these days, but will play by himself for hours. Big brother is not endowed with those skills, and spends his time effing with little brother. Very extremely frustrating

That said? They're both traveling beautifully and adjusting well to all of the changes. I'm extremely proud of them. More later.

Risk-taker!

2011-06-09T19:27:00.002-04:00

My boys are exceptionally good eaters. Fruits, veggies, nuts, tofu, grains, beans...they're a commercial for healthy living. Jack is starting to get a wee bit pickier (picking the spinach shreds off of the tofu) but tonight he crammed down the veggie chili and I'm sure he'll come back around to the good side.

Nate is no trouble at all. None. He dislikes avocado (which he calls wacka-moley) and olives. And sometimes egg yolks, though he can do serious damage to a plate of deviled eggs (like Mama, like son). He did eat avocado in some sushi once, and liked it, but has been adament in his dislike ever since. Picks it out of sushi, refuses to have anything to do with it. It's such a healthy, fabulous food that it kills me that he hates it, but such is life.

I've written in the past about my worry about Nate; that he doesn't like to take real risks, that he plays life a little too safe for my tastes. I try really hard to embrace who my childrean ARE, not who I want them to be, and I think I'm pretty successful for the most part. But we all have dreams for our kids, and being an accountant or lawyer is not my dream for my boys. I'll obviously support them whatever they love, but...

So tonight I'm laying out dinner: bowls of brown rice and veggie chili, with bowls of shredded lettuce, vegan cheese, and guacamole for toppings. While I was organizing everything, Nate asked me if he could take a "teeny bite" of the "wacka-moley." I froze in my tracks where he couldn't see me, and squeaked out "Um, of course!" I hear the spoon, and I hear him say "yick" and then I hear him yell "I'm a risk taker!" My heart. There was praising. There was talking about "This is what life is all about, trying new things, being a risk-taker." There was Mama-smooching. There was Natey-squirming. There were shy, prideful smiles.

At dinner, he asked me to put half a spoon of guacamole on his chili, and we mixed it all up. He ate it all. Then he took a spoon and asked if he could eat out of the bowl of guacamole. Um, HELL yes. So he did, and told Daddy "I'm a wacka-moley risk taker."

Nate, tonight you made me so happy. You're on your way.

Storytelling

2011-04-26T21:26:00.002-04:00

I am one of the least creative people on earth. Give me a blank canvas and the best paints in the world and I will draw you a wobbly rainbow, pretty much every single time. I have no creative impulsive, no spirit begging to be let out. But even so, it is remarkably easy to make up a bedtime story that will make Nate happy.

Formula:

Starring role of a boy named Nate + adventure involving dinosaurs, Bakugans, or (newly) Bayblades + beating bullies = Nate wins!

Tonight's story was Nate and a group of 3 of his friends (Sophia, Leo, and Calio (Ca-leo? No idea. Friend from school). Each of them has a bayblade with special powers; Nate's has Unicorn Power (spikes pop out all over the sides), Sophia's has Golden Sunrise power (fire around the edge), Leo's has Laughter Power (shoots out a force field), and Calio's has...I can't remember. Something wicked awesome though.

So the bullies won't let them play at the playground and they BATTLE and Nate's team wins and everyone is awesome. This is the first story that actually caused Nate to break into applause. Proud moment.

Then Nate decides to tell ME a Bayblade story. He thinks for a minute and warns me that it's going to be reallys similar to my story, which is, of course, cool with me. He asks me who my 3 friends should be; we agree on Dave, Beth, and Emily.

And he begins, and he had me from hello. My Bayblade SHOOTS babies out. Awesome. He asks me what Beth does, and I mention that she just had twins so he says that her Bayblade has TWIN POWER that shoots TWO babies out and they have milk in their mouths and I suggest it's sour milk and he likes that and that's Beth's Bayblade power. He asks about Dave, and I remind him that he's a vegan and suggest TOFU POWER and Nate runs with it and he has SPICY tofu power and we WON'T GIVE THE BAD GUYS ANY WATER! Evil. Emily is really nice but her Bayblade says really mean words like "You're stupid! You're an idiot!" and it makes the other Bayblades infected with bad words and then it kills them.

Best story ever.

This sums it up

2011-04-22T16:14:00.007-04:00

It happens over and over, just the same way, and I think it totally sums up the difference in personality between my two boys:

We almost always shop at Trader Joes, where they often give each kid a strip of stickers when they leave. The second the strip hits Jack's hands, he immediately starts peeling them off and putting them all over himself. (Please note in the picture that Jack is still sitting in the cart; we haven't even gotten to the car yet.)

Nate takes his strip, admires it, and then keeps it. Forever. He never uses a single one. Weeks later I find the strip and surruptitiously toss it in the trash (he never notices). It's a little sad, honestly, I wish he'd just use them and have fun with them. But then I think of my childhood sticker-books, collections of stickers all untouched and perfect and NOT peeled off, safely stored forever, and I understand his wanting to keep them fresh and perfect. Still a little sad though. (Please note in the picture that we're home, sitting outisde our house in the car.)

I wouldn't change either of them. They're totally perfect just the way they are. Mostly. :-)

Sex on the Brain

2011-04-02T21:30:00.002-04:00

It finally happened, just when I had given up wondering when it would happen.

Nate knows that the girls have an egg, and the boys have a seed, and never once has he thought to be curious about how those jive cats get together in the first place. I was expecting it at 3, and at 4, and had finally quit expecting it when I was blindsided driving to a Chinese banquet a few Fridays ago.

I'm making a thing out of it, but in truth the question was uttered quite simply, and telling him was far less of a thing than I had expected it would be. He already knew that boys have a penis, and girls a vagina (which I've explained as an inside-out penis, a tunnel kinda-like), so I just explained the obvious points and that was that. I think I remember saying something about "rubbing against" and the seed coming out but it is kind of a blur.

He was totally non-plussed. He thought about it for a while, and then asked "So you did that?" and I said "yup!" and he said "With Daddy?" and I said "yup!" and we kept on driving. He thought again for a while, and then asked what was clearly most confusing him: "How do you know when to do it?" After resisiting saying "Oh you'll know" I explained that when you were older, mostly grown-up, and had a girlfriend or a wife or a boyfriend or a husband, you'd talk about it and decide you were both ready to do it. That it felt good and was fun, and a thing that people loved did together - sometimes to have a baby and sometimes not. He was still worried about knowing when to do it, I have this picture that he's worried he's going to be at school and all of a sudden it'll just be happening to him and how weird would that be? So I put it in a bit of context by saying that it would be around when he started driving that he'd start to think about doing it, that he didn't need to think about it until then, and that seemed to reassure him.

All in all, it went swimmingly. He hasn't asked about it since or brought it up in strange company or told his friends all about it, so that's lovely. A lovely boy, my Natey.

Bits and pieces

2011-03-27T20:14:00.003-04:00

Little sayings I want to remember:

When I take Jack to the bathroom (he's 95% trained now) I usually ask him if he wants to stand up like Daddy (it's too cute!), and he usually emphatically tells me "No, I want to stand down!"

Jack is full of sweetness and light and always tries to find nice things to say to me. If I tell him "You are such a sweet boy" he responds with "You're such a sweet Mama!" If I tell him "I love you so much" he says "I love you so much too!" And as he gets older he's starting to initiate these love-fests, telling me "You are so cute!" and his biggest compliment: "You are so huuuge Mama!" Thanks buddy.

Yesterday, driving home from picking the boys up at G&Gs, Stewart and I were mock-fighting in the front, making Nate laugh. And out of nowhere Jack pipes up: "Both of you...settle down!" We had to have him repeat it over and over just to make sure that's what he really said. It was, and it was fabulous.

I may have blogged this already, but months and months ago Nate and I were having a little verbal spar (fun, not fighting) and he blurts out "The more you talk, the more you're wrong!" Touche.

Jack still says that blowing on things to cool them down is "blowing it up." So the other night, at dinner, he says "I'm gonna blow it up, Mama, because it's hot." Jack works "Mama" or "Mommy" into almost every sentence and I love love love it. "Thank you, Mama" and "you're welcome Mommy!" and "I love you too Mama!" and it's so amazing. He's so amazing. He's like some cliche baby with all of the hugs and kisses and sweet words and squeaky little voice and shaking his booty to the music.

At his 3-year checkup he pediatrician asked if Jack was showing empathy and I wasn't really sure. I am now, the kid is full of it. Driving Stella home from school the other day, she was telling him how she hurt her toe at school. Jack breaks out with "You hurt your toe, Stella?! That's so...HURT!" It is so hurt, babe.

I am in love with both of these boys. Can't get over them.

A new family member!

2011-03-25T15:46:00.006-04:00

No, not another baby, no matter how hard we try. Hopefully that will be news for another day.

But we did add a girl to the family finally, a guinea-pig girl (or as Jack calls them, a "piggy bank"). Her name was Whitetail, but has been re-named Squeaky. Oddly enough she rarely squeaks, but we're going with it.

We adopted her from a family whose daughter goes to school with Nate, so she came with all the gear we could need. She's already six, so I'm not sure how long we'll have her, but I'm so glad we did it.

I'm very anti-pet, and didn't really need another hassle in my life. But the care she takes is totally reasonably and pretty minimal, the kids adore her but aren't obsessed with her, and it's been a very easy transition. Every day, each boy gets to hold her and give her a plate of spinach and strawberry tops, then she runs around in her little "run". Then back in the cage for the night!

As fas as I can tell, she has absolutely no personality whatsoever, but despite it we're all glad she's here.

Uh oh

2011-03-13T08:36:00.002-04:00

2 Small tidbits:

Anytime we're watching TV, or a movie (and there's been FAR too much of that around here recently), and the music gets dark / slow / ominous Jack says:

"Something bad's gonna happen!" And sometimes adds "A monster is coming!"

Sometimes I haven't even noticed the change in tone, but Jack senses it immediately, enough to verbilize it. Very intuitive.

And when my boy needs to leave his food to go to the potty, he says some variation on this:

"I have to go pee pee. Don't touch my banana!" This morning he said "I have to go pee pee. Nobody don't touch my cereal!"

He's definitely a Wagner.

Nate-a-bean

2011-02-24T10:38:00.005-05:00

A little update on my little Nate:

Last weekend, he learned how to read.

Yup, learned how in a weekend. What happened, you ask? No idea. One day he balked at sounding out "bus" and the next day he read a whole book to Jack. A new book from the library, so I'm sure it wasn't memorized. He still hesitates sounding out new words* but he's definitely off and reading.

This is the first word he ever tried to sound and write out by himself (it's supposed to be "puzzle", but an A+ for effort):

*Why does he hesitate to sound out new words? Because my son, pride of our hearts, is a very prideful boy. He does not like to be wrong, at all, ever. He covers his butt every time it looks like he might possible be a little wrong about anything. "I really meant..." and "I didn't say that..." and "I'm still right because..." roll right off the tongue. It's funny, but mostly it worries me: if he doesn't try new things, if he doesn't risk failing, then life will be very stilted and boring. I want him to climb Everest. I want him to travel to a country without a guidebook. I want him to fall and pick himself up again, and so far he's absolutely not that boy.

I choose to believe that this is a stage, that this part of his personality isn't set in stone. We'll keep encouraging him, not demanding, but pushing him to take chances and try new things. Hopefully over time it pays off for him.

In Aruba, I offered to take him parasailing but he dug his heels in. We watched some videos of other kids doing it and he wavered, but in the end stood firm in his refusal. So Debs and I offered to take him jet-skiing, and after some hesitation he climbed right on and had a great time. And on our snorkel / boat ride, he put on all the snorkel gear and actually climbed down the ladder out into the ocean with me. I was shocked. He went back and forth between me and the ladder several times, and when I thought he had truly given up I swam away from the boat a bit and all of a sudden he was right beside me, pretty far from the boat. He never put his face down into the water to see the fish, but I think he did a truly brave thing, swiming away from that boat into the very cold, wavey water. All hope is not lost.

Jackity Jack

2011-02-21T21:31:00.005-05:00

Little changes in Jack:

He tells stories with his toys now, narrating what's happening. Usually what's happening is that someone is FIGHTING someone else, but they do it very earnestly and sincerely so it's charming instead of violent.

While the three boys were at the beach this past weekend, I picked up a small toy for each in the dollar bin at Target. Jack got a pack of stretchy bugs, right up his alley. He knelt on the floor in front of the brown couch, and laid out each bug and gave it a name ("this is a HORN bug"). While I was laying on the floor doing a puzzle with Nate, Jack picked up all of the bugs, clutched them to his chest, came over to me, and said "can you play with the bugs for a second?" He loves "for a second."

Yes, I could play with the bugs for a second. He now knows the word "beetle."

More soon.

Jack

2011-02-10T13:04:00.003-05:00

Jack doesn't nap every day anymore, but today he was exhausted at school (and I got to enjoy all 3 hours of his whinging and clinging since it was my duty day today) and I knew he needed a nap.

About twenty minutes after I put him down, he called out to me. This is usually the sign that he's not napping that day, so I called back to him: "It's night-night time, Jack." He started crying right away, very unusual, so I started up to him saying "What's wrong?!" He called back: "I'm CRYING!" and went back to sobbing.

When I got in there, he told me he wanted me to sing him a song (the song is only allowed to be Sunshine), so I tucked him back into the crib and sang to him.

He's doing two fantastic things in the crib that I want to remember. The first is that when he's really tired, and I'm stroking his face, he will take my hand with his and rub my hand all over his forehead and nuzzle it with his nose.

He's also managed to take away my last-chance-desperate-measures act of rocking him while he's lying down. I figured out when he was little that if I could get his head rocking around he would fall asleep. So every now and then when he's exhausted but not asleep, I'll put my hand on his back (while he's lying on his side) and jiggle him so that his head rocks. He's out in minutes.

But when I tried it recently, he tried to help me by jiggling his own head around and we just coudln't find a rhythm. I ended up laughing, and so did he, at his earnest little head jiggling all around in different directions. He just did it again today, adding in trying to jiggle his own legs while he's doing his head. I think jiggling days are over.

He's still such a baby, but not for long.

Torture

2011-01-18T22:25:00.002-05:00

Mama torturing her boys.

Poor kiddos.

Bumper

2011-01-17T20:47:00.003-05:00

We have two Bumpers floating around now, and we took one to Charlottesville this weekend. Where we promptly lost it (I suspect it was thrown away in the big party clean-up). We weren't able to find the other one on our return, and Nate managed to get to sleep without it last night.

But tonight he was having trouble, and near tears. I told him: "You can suck your thumb anyway, you don't need Bumper to do that." He looked even sadder, and said "It just tastes so bad without Bumper!"

I did another search and found him. It's amazing how glad I feel when I can do something really really good for the boys. I brought him in to Nate and pulled him out; Nate smiled, and really quietly said "Thanks Mom." I tucked Bumper in with Nate, thumb went right into his mouth, eyes closed.

Peace.

Hilarious

2010-10-18T19:22:00.003-04:00

I called Nate a "drama queen" tonight when he was shivering and frozen after his bath. Of course, he asked me what a drama queen was.

I told him it's someone who is always SO mad, or SO happy, or SO tired. They're never kinda tired, or a little sad, or anything like that. They're always SO mad...he got into the act with "Yeah, they're SO pleasant. Like REALLY pleasant."

Fabulous.

Ouch

2010-10-17T18:24:00.002-04:00

The cuteness, the amazing-ness, of Jack actually hurts me on a regular basis.

Daddy was gearing up to give them their regular bath/shower and Jack wanted some juice. Nate and Daddy headed upstairs while Jack guzzled.

Then Jack asked me "Could you hold this for a second?" (one of his favorite phrases) and passed me the juice. "Now I'm gonna go bye bye. See ya Mom!" and he ran off down the hall.

My life is totally perfect, warts and all.

Shake your booty!

2010-10-02T11:32:00.000-04:00

One of Jack's favorite, sweetest, things to do is to tell me what he likes about what I'm wearing. While I'm holding him he'll often finger my necklace, saying "I like your neckwace Mama! I like your colors!" and he'll name off the colors in a row (especially fun on my especially colorful one, where he rolls out "I like your blue, I like your green, I like your blue, I like your blue, I like your yelow..." through the length of the whole necklace.)

We try to have frequent dance parties, though they're less frequent than I'd like. Sometimes it's hard to get the boys started, so I frequently urge them to "shake your boo-tee."

Today it's just me and Jack, and I was dancing around in the living room while he was in the kitchen. I may or may not have been shaking my booty. Jack came up behind me, slapped my ass with both hands, and cheerfully said "I like your boo-tee! I like your boo-tee!"

Sigh.

Jackie has a girlfriend!

2010-09-29T18:33:00.004-04:00

The transition into co-op preschool has gone...I honestly don't know how to say how well it has gone. Jack barely likes to be left with his Auntie, let alone total strangers. Last year's brief experiment with co-op was a total disaster, so I had very low expectations for this year. I honestly get fairly speechless when I try to explain my incredulity.

The first day I stayed since it was my duty day. The next day we talked it out over and over, and when it came time for me to leave his little lip quivered and the tears welled, but he was fine just a few minutes after I left. The next day it was a bit of the same, and every day since he's given me a big smacking kiss goodbye and that's it. We talk a lot about how I'll always come get him from playgroup, and when I get there he repeats it over and over "You came to get me at playgroup?!" and it obviously comforts him. (Speech therapy note: playgroup is pronounced "pay-geeoop")

His teacher is very keen on potty training, and it's actually having some effect: he's peed on the potty 4 or 5 times now, twice at home. So no pressure, but we're starting to think about potty training. Fun.

Today was another duty day at co-op, so I got to see him do several fairly adorable things. There's a little girl, Alice, who hung out close with me today and so she and Jack spent a lot of time together. At the end of the day, Jack got right in front of her, bent down a bit so their faces were close, and exclaimed "I like you!" several times. It was delicious. I wish so much my Nanny could see him. She would adore him.

I adore him.

Cuteness

2010-09-01T08:14:00.002-04:00

Nate was just picked up to head to school (carpool!!) and Jack was standing at the door watching him go. I said "say goodbye to Nate" and Jack said "goodbye Nate! Thanks for the party!" which is exactly what I told him to say to Deborah when we were leaving her party three days ago. Could he be any cuter?

Kindergarten!

2010-08-31T11:55:00.003-04:00

Nate headed off to kindergarten yesterday and showed us again what a dream child he is.

We'd been talking up the fun of kindergarten and gone to an orientation; he was super shy during orientation, but didn't balk at the thought of it. The night before kindergarten was starting he said he didn't want to go, but it was in the context of a horrible tired hysterical tantrum, and he was asleep 7 seconds later. I didn't worry too much.

Monday morning we got up early and gabbed and got ready nice and leisurely. Stewart snapped some pics as we headed out the door, and we drove off. I had talked with him about walking him in, but while we were driving I told him I'd walk him to the door; that I knew he could go inside by himself.

So we parked and walked to the front of the school, milling around with a lot of other parents and kids. It was a treat to watch the little Pre-K kids waiting with their little bags and nap-rolls; they looked so tiny and sweet! Nate hung by my side, quieter than usual but holding up. When the doors opened and kids started in, Nate hesitated but seemed game - he had definitely absorbed that it was an important day. I knelt down with him and told him how incredibly proud I was of him, to have a wonderful day, that he'd be great. He gave me a kiss on the lips; a very rare occurrence. I stood up to say goodbye and heard him say something quietly: ironically he told me he'd said, very sweetly, "let me go."

I let him go. I smiled while he walked away from me. It was all terribly symbolic and touching and I teared up a bit but mostly grinned at my sweet happy son. We smiled and waved and blew kisses all the way down the ramp, and I headed home with my Jack.

I got there early to pick him up, as I always seem to, and waited what seemed like forever for his blonde head to be escorted out. He looked up and saw me waiting, and yelled "It was great!" He said it again when he got to me, and we headed home with Stella. After we'd dropped her off (carpool!), I remembered to ask him about his lunch: I'd packed a few special things in there. He liked the apple slices with hearts and the rice crackers and the name cookies, but what he mentioned was the note I'd taped to the top of his snack: Mommy ♥s Nate. He told me he found my letter, and that when he read it he kissed it. Then when we got home he taped it on the fridge, and added his own note (totally his idea, done completely by himself, except for spelling Mom):

He headed off to Chinese day today without a problem: jumped out of the car, yelled "I love you!" and slammed the door. He's on his way.

Little boy growing

2010-08-27T00:08:00.003-04:00

Here are things that Nate does by himself now:

Peel carrots (he loves this!)

"Read" comic books.

Pour cereal, pull stool to the fridge to get the milk, pour milk, make "breakfast" for himself and Jack (please excuse the clothes, he dressed himself)

Clean up the toys in the basement, sometimes surprisingly well. The housekeepers were coming on Wednesday and I was trying to get us off to the zoo; I called down to Nate and asked him to help clean up the basement and he said "okay!" and headed downstairs to work on it. Huh.

Make friends in airports.

Climb into Jack's crib to fetch "pink doll and paci" that are requested 10 times a day.

Pinch samosas closed

Decide to share his silly bandz with friends because they don't have any.

Color the front walkway bricks with sidewalk chalk, making a pattern as he goes along.

Water the plants in the backyard

Really help with Aunt Drebba's charity auction

Horse around with cousins

Know to be careful with feelings: The other night he said he wanted Daddy to put him to bed because Number 2 is better than Number 1 and Daddy was Number 2...well, we were both Number 2 but Daddy was Number 3...

He's pretty fabulous.

Nate's first blog post!

2010-08-24T14:38:00.003-04:00

Today we went to the zoo, and on the way home I decided to include some "journal" entries from Nate as part of this blog. It'll help us all remember what we've seen and done, and give a better window into Nate's mind as he grows up.

So from here on, in this entry, it will be only Nate's words and my pictures.

___________________________________

We went to two playgrounds. One was a pizza one and one was the prairie-dog one. And we could pop up through little holes like prairie dogs.

I had a great time seeing the animals. I saw lions, I saw goats, we saw prairie dogs...what else did we see? (Leah: we saw monkeys, we saw snakes, we saw lizards...)

We saw turtles and fishes, those are reptile animals. We saw lions.

I liked the lions because I liked how they look.

So happy together

2010-08-23T19:44:00.003-04:00

It's been a long day filled with Jack smearing poop around and laundry and cleaning up after everyone. Stewart left early and came home late, and I escaped to the recliner for a few minutes of reading blogs.

Nate and Stewart are playing with a photo program on the Mac, taking silly distorted pictures of themselves. I hear giggling, and then Nate says "Mom, you've gotta come see this. You've gotta be in the picture." and I put down this laptop, walk over, and giggle with my kid. So grateful that he wants me in the picture.

I'm Jack

2010-08-18T15:43:00.003-04:00

Hi, I'm Jack River. My Mom's been calling me just "River" a lot these days; I know it and respond to it, and Mom's feeling very sneaky and pleased with herself.

I'm getting towards turning three, but I'm still not sure of a lot of things.

Am I right-handed?

left-handed?

Whatever. This much I know: I love noodles.

Yum.

2010-08-04T10:00:00.004-04:00

It's like everything I've been pouring into Nate for the past (almost) 5 years has taken root all at once.

This morning he got breakfast made for him and Jack - all I had to do was provide the bowls and strap Jack in. Then, when he was done eating, Nate looked at me and said "I'm sorry I poured too much milk and wasted some food, but I'm done." And somehow because he acknowledged it, I was able to be all "no worries!" It was so amazing.

Yesterday we had the aforementioned "basement cleaning" incident. He also gets pink doll from Jack's crib when Jack asks him, helps Jack with the crazy-complicated Viewmaster, gets his own apples and juice from the fridge, and scolds Jack when he begs for more TV. Such a smart, sensible, grumpy little-old man.

So much to say

2010-08-03T22:24:00.002-04:00

There's just so much I want to say about these boys of mine, and time keeps marching on and there are more and more things to say about them and try to remember, and I'm totally failing at it. Even when I try, even when I write a good entry, I still fail. Because I can't capture their voices, the nuances of our lives. I can't capture the joy and frustration the way I want to, and I know that's what's keeping me from coming back and writing: knowing that I'm going to fail no matter how hard I try.

But I'm going to try anyway, because something has got to be better than nothing. So here's what I say to say:

When I get frustrated with Jack or discipline him at all, he throws himself at me and says in an anguished tone: "But I love you!" Today when I was holding him and telling him not to throw toys he calmly said "But I want to kiss you!" and delivered a chaste kiss on my lips.

There are no words to describe how I feel about Jack. He is my heart, forward and back and all the way around.

Nate and I are friends, finally. He wants me to put him to bed at night. He holds my hands when we walk places, and tries to carry bags for me. I push all of my frustrations down and try to relax and play and laugh and pull out my very best fart jokes.

Tonight he called me down to the basement and showed me how he'd cleaned everything up, put it away in the right bins. It honestly looked great. I mentally patted myself on the back. Then he got really frustrated because Jack actually took out and played with some toys, thereby messing up the beautiful room, and scowled when I explained that we'd play for 10 minutes and then we could clean up again. So I un-patted myself and rebuked myself for all those times he was little and I snapped at him for messing something up or spilling something or not being orderly. Ugh.

Either way, great or horrible Mom, Nate is a great (and only rarely horrible) kid. Sometimes he runs out and plays in the rain with me, and sometimes he doesn't want to get his clothes wet. He's a bit of a worrier. He's a little anal. He either came by it naturally or I was too hard on him. Whatever it is, he is who he is now. He's smart, kind, sensitive, and actually sometimes sweet. He praises Jack for behavior now, in a high-pitched Mom voice: "Jack, you did a really good job on the puzzle!" It's darling.

Maybe I'll try to post at least one sentence every day. We'll see.

Little people

2010-07-01T14:23:00.002-04:00

I just looked in on napping Jack, still in the exact same position in the crib as when I laid him there after a long morning of errands. Except that he'd pulled his blue blanket up over his legs. That kills me.

Ice cream

2010-06-29T15:20:00.001-04:00

Strawberry is the weird flavor; it never occurred to me to even try it. I picked chocolate every time, and I guess I could have been persuaded to have vanilla if there was chocolate sauce available. But strawberry is odd.

And Nate picks strawberry. I love that.

Sage words from Nate

2010-06-26T16:51:00.001-04:00

"The more you don't hit your people, the more you don't go to time-out."

Amen, son.

2010-05-22T14:04:00.003-04:00

Today over lunch Nate told me he had an "I love you" dream last night. I asked him to tell me about it and he said he was at school, and going out for recess, but it was raining. When he got outside, he saw me and he wanted to run and give me a big hug. That's when he woke up.

Strangely enough, he did wake up in the middle of the night last night and ask to come sleep with me. I wonder if they're connected?

The cuteness is killing me

2010-05-20T18:47:00.003-04:00

A few cute things the kids have done / said over the last few days:

Last night, we all went out to dinner to celebrate Aunt Drebba's birthday. Stewart got there a little later than the rest of us and when Jack saw him he happily yelled "It's Daddy! Daddy, it's me - Jack River!"

While we were waiting for the food to come out, Nate was asking how long it would be. Deborah started teasing him, saying that first the kitchen had to kill the macaroni, then take the feathers off, and so on. Nate was saying "Macaronis don't have feathers, guys..." and after we kept the teasing up a while he said "The more you talk, the more you're wrong."

I like to wear skirts when it's warm out, and I've been forced to start wearing boxer shorts underneath - Jack likes to swirl around them whenever we're standing still. He's under, through, pulling, tugging...it's cute but crazy. He's also taken to holding onto the edge of the skirt while we're walking places together.

And last night at the hospital when we were waiting for Nate's second set of stitches (forehead this time), he looked at me plaintively and said "I wish I was the doctor and not the kid so I wouldn't have to get the shot." It was so sad, but so smart at the same time.

These boys are amazing to me.

Our first stitches

2010-05-18T18:34:00.000-04:00

With two small kids, stitches were inevitable. I'm actually surprised it took this long!

On May 8th, Nate was out back helping Stewart reclaim some lumber from a construction project a few houses down. After a while, I heard Nate crying and Stewart came hustling into the kitchen. I watched him pass by I saw drips of blood hitting the floor. Stewart told me "it looks deep" and I knew we were headed to the hospital.

Our car was in the shop so our wonderful neighbor Sara drove us to Children's. The nurses confirmed that he'd probably need stitches and got us right back through triage into our own little private room, complete with a TV turned to cartoons (I love Children's hospital!) Nate was happy to lay back and zone out.

They did an x-ray to make sure there was no metal left in the cut (there wasn't), plied us with fruit punch and sandwiches, and we were left to wait for the big stitch-up. I joined him on the gurney and we had a bit of a cuddle watching TV together. Look at the blood running down my poor sweetie's leg!

On the way to the hospital Nate had asked me if the treatment was going to hurt, and I was frank that it probably was. I made him a promise that if anything was going to hurt, I would give him fair warning. Each time a nurse or doctor came in, I made sure to tell them that I had promised Nate he'd get fair warning if something was going to hurt. When the doctor came in to do the big job, it was time to give him the fair warning: this was going to hurt.

The doctor asked if I wanted to "papoose" him to restrain him, and I talked it out with Nate. We decided not to restrain him and to have him sit between my legs (partly so I could help hold his hand still for the doctor) and she started injecting the anesthetic right into the cut. Blargh. Nate was crying and yelling, and after 5 or 6 she gave him one that made him scream and pull away. It was awful. She had to do another 4 or 5 and then she was done. He calmed down quickly and lay quietly during the whole process of stitching it up.

He took such amazing good care of his hand, keeping it clean and dry. For the first five days, he really didn't use it at all; he held it pitifully in front of him. He had them removed yesterday; it was a little traumatic but he handled it well. I am so incredibly proud of his maturity, self-control, bravery, and independence.

And to round out this long post about 4 little stitches, here's Nate rapping:

Big boy haircut

2010-05-07T07:41:00.000-04:00

It was time. I didn't want to know it but I knew it.

Not the best pictures, but here's a few "before" shots:

Since Jack now runs crying each morning when he sees me coming towards him with a brush, I anticipated a disaster. I tried to take him to one of those kiddie-kuts kinda places since I thought the TVs might distract him but got insanely lost. I ended up just taking him to the Hair Cuttery and crossing my fingers. I apologized in advance for the crying.

He was perfect.

He flinched a little from the water

grinned at himself in the mirror

and got pinned up like a proper lady.

At one point he realized he was famished but couldn't find his hands. He was promptly hand-fed by one of his adoring Moms (Kari went along on the trip).

He zoned out as the cut went on

smiled at his new "look"

even tolerated the buzzer

and emerged a new man. With a huge muffin for good behavior.

The muffin was considered

nibbled

and judged to be acceptable.

I'm very proud of my little lawyer.

Nate's Newsletter, Four Years Seven-ish Months

2010-04-26T09:23:00.001-04:00

Dear Nate,

Another late newsletter, another attempt to redeem myself. In my defense, you aren't changing as much, month to month, as you did when you were little - there's not always an amazing transformation to write about. But you are so special, and so particular, that I want to make sure to keep writing down the things you're doing and learning and saying to us.

You are such a mix: 2/3 of you is sweet, considerate, thoughtful, caring, concerned, and the other bit is moody, prickly, solitary, independent. Sometimes you're ripping a toy out of Jack's hand, and sometimes hunting one down to help him cheer up when he's upset. A month or so ago, you told me you wished we could always have a baby Jack's size in the house. Then you said you want him to stay two forever. I told you I did, too, and you said "Yeah, because I love him!" When he tried to crawl up onto "your" recliner the other day, you put down a hand to pull him up, and you guys shared it for the whole movie.

You are coming out of a full-blown obsession with death, now just a passing interest. It has been troubling and hard to answer your questions about death, especially with the sadness and fear you've shown about it. More than once, when we've talked about your Grandma Fredi, you've actually cried. You feel her loss as keenly as if you'd known her and loved her. We've had to stop joking about Daddy being "old" because it has sent you into long crying spells where you talk about how when Daddy dies you "won't ever see him again." It was so heartbreaking.

I wish I was a believer. I wish I had a strong, sure path to show you. The best I've been able to do is to tell you that Daddy and I will always be with you, every second of your life. That even when we die, we're with you. The first time I told you this you cocked your head to the side, considered it, and amended it with "until I die, right?" Ugh.

The sadness and fear has mostly passed, and now you ask more practical questions. A few days ago in the car on the way to school you asked me "When we all die, does the world end?" It was 8 in the morning. I am prepared for questions about where babies come from, but these death ones throw me off my game. I think I told you that when Grandma Fredi died the world kept going, and it would after we die as well. But when we have children we live on in them, just like Grandma Fredi lives through us. You seemed okay with that explanation.

You and I are having a lot more fun these days - I've gotten better at handling your pricky times and you're having less prickly times. I've been stressing the word "agreeable" with you, making sure to praise you every time you demonstrate it. It's gotten predictable enough that now, when you say "okay" to a request, you look at ME and grin and sing-song what I've been saying: "That was very agreeeeeeeable!"

There's another thing you've been doing that I'm having a hard time putting words to: you don't like me to get mad at, or discipline, anybody else. You rush to their defense immediately. One time when we were driving your friend Leo home from Pump It Up, I asked him not to talk rudely to Jack; you immediately jumped in with "He was just joking!" (He wasn't.) And when I harshly scolded Jack for leaving the house without me, making him cry, you asked me to stop, saying "But you're making him sad!"

Last week when I picked you up at school, I asked you what I always do: what was the best part of your day and what was the worst? You told me that the worst was that Leo says he's not your friend anymore. When I asked why you told me that at recess Leo and Gabriel were planning to chase and tease another little boy, Matthew, so you "told on the teacher."

You are all heart. I prayed that you'd be a man of character, and you're already showing more than I could have dreamed of.

This past weekend I took you and Jack to Charlottesville for Uncle Fred's 80th birthday. At night the three of us shared a bedroom; Jack in the crib in the middle of two twin beds. I got you tucked in and got into bed, and after it was dark and quiet for a few minutes you said "I love you Mom." I hope I never forget.

I love you.
Mama

Alien baby

2010-04-19T11:55:00.002-04:00

A half hour ago, Jack came whining up to me and said "I want to get pink doll go to bed!"

You want to go to bed? Huh?

Um. Okay.

I just checked on him and he's sound asleep.

Where did you come from, child?

Good manners

2010-04-18T13:21:00.002-04:00

Jack just asked me for "peanut butter sandwich please!" I said sure, and we headed off to the kitchen to cook it up. He was following behind me, and I hear him say "Good job say please!"

They pick up everything. It's amazing.

Cunning

2010-03-31T14:52:00.003-04:00

Thirty minutes ago, Nate came up to me and said "I have to tell you two things. One, you're the boss of the house. And two, can I have a lollipop?"

Sweet night

2010-03-26T21:30:00.004-04:00

The boys and I are staying at my parent's house this weekend. We just had the sweetest bedtime ever.

Nate and I are going to be bunking in my old room; there are two twin beds there now. Jack's in Deborah's old room in the crib. But part of my bedtime routine, at home, with Jack is to hang out and cuddle together in my bed before putting him down in his crib. So the three of us hung out in my old room, squeezed all together in one twin bed. Me, scrabbling to keep from falling off, Jack in the middle, and Nate on the other side of Jack.

We talked a little and sang a few songs. While I was singing Sunshine, reaching across Jack to stroke Nate's hair, he reached over and started stroking Jack's head. Then Nate and I did "I love you's" and "I like you's" - Nate told him he loved me to outer space.

Sweetest night. Sweetest boys.

Nate notes

2010-03-23T11:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Nate,

As always, these days, our relationship is so conflicted. You want what you want when you want it, and it seems I'm the one thwarting you most of the time. I try so hard to make the "have-to's" of our daily life as fun as I can, but I'm still the "mean Mom" shuttling you back and forth from obligations, keeping you from your precious TV and video games, and putting cous-cous down in front of you at dinner. Daddy plays games with you and has endless patience; it's no shocker that he's your favorite. I'm keeping at it though, stepping in to play Slapperjack and board games with you, and we've started a pillow-fight tradition in the evenings before you head off to bed. I'm not letting you go without a fight, Natey.

I want to talk to the grown-up you for a minute, the 20-year old that you'll be, God willing, some day. The 30-year old, setting down into "real life." The 40-year old Daddy and husband:

I tried to make sure your favorite clothes were clean to wear to school. I tried to make sure you had "trendy" clothes so you wouldn't get made fun of. I tried to keep your hair looking cute. I tried to remember to send you to school in a costume on "dress-up" days. I tried to make your healthy lunches as fun as possible so you wouldn't feel deprived. I tried to buy you the popular toys, so you'd have the "cool things" to play with. I tried to keep the TV off so you'd learn to entertain yourself and be happy alone, in your own skin. I tried to relax, so you'd be a relaxed person. I tried to introduce you to good music so you'd learn to love it as much as I do. I tried not to gossip or talk negatively in front of you so you'd be a more positive person than I am. I tried to be my best self in front of you all the time so you'd have a good example to learn from.

I was sometimes snappy and impatient, and I regret it. Life sometimes feels a little crazy for me - too busy, too rushed, too harried - and I'm not a "roll with the punches" kind of girl. I am really sorry.

But I want you to know how much I love you, how much I like you, how hard I tried to be a better person than I actually am so that you'd have the best life possible.

And I want you to know something else: I never once blamed you or was mad at you for loving Daddy more than me. You have the most amazing Dad in the world and I totally understand. I just hope as a grown-up you can see that while I wasn't always on the floor playing "piggies" with you, I was there in the kitchen cutting up the veggies for your lunches and researching summer camps and making sure you were signed up for gymnastics.

I love you Nate, at every age. Can't wait to meet the guy who's reading this one day!

Love,
Mama

A little bit about Jack

2010-02-23T11:13:00.007-05:00

Dear Jack,

I was laying in my bed with you this afternoon reading you a book and this thought came to me: you are the total cliche perfect baby. I know you're not a baby anymore, really, but you still sometimes seem like one to me and frankly I like thinking of you that way. Daddy and I have little conferences where we talk about how amazingly cute, precious and endearing you are; and how it actually hurts to think about you growing older and changing. We adore you.

So, cliche baby: you hug my thigh when we're out in public and you're feeling shy, you love to read the same book over and over (dinosaurs!), you give kisses and hugs, you cuddle stuffed animals and give them kisses, you murmur "I love yous", you hold hands when we're walking places, you're a bit of a Mama's boy (when Daddy's not around, at least!)...you're like a baby in a movie!

I've been jotting down notes about what you've been doing and saying, but since it's been so long since I've updated half are totally outdated already. Your language is flying along. Yesterday I pulled out a few DVDs and you looked at them and said "What are those?" You're adding in all of the little words (are, is, of) that usually come last when a kid is picking up the language. Some favorites:

* Where going? (You've now updated this, and the rest to, Where ARE YOU going? but I love the old way most)
* What doing?
* What eating?
* Happy birthday to you!
* Instead of "here comes (a car, train, Daddy, whatever) you say "Yay comes a car!" or "Yay comes Daddy!"
* Nah-nah-boo-boo, can't catch me!
* Shake your booty (complete with awkward booty-shaking)
* No yike it!
* A gleeful "I did it!" when you do something on your own, and a petulant "I do it!" when you want to do something on your own.

When you do something wrong, or even when you don't, you're quick with an "I'm sorry Mama". Last week you threw something plastic and heavy into the air and I watched as it crashed down onto my shin. I tried not to yell but my gasping was audible. You hurried over chanting "Sorry Mama, sorry Mama" and pulled up right in front of me. You knelt down to ask "Okay Mama?" and then gave me a little smooch on the lips. Too cute. When you fall down you'll often look up at me and say "Okay, Mama" to reassure me that you're okay. Yesterday you actually said "I'm okay!" and got on with whatever it was you were doing. You are so agreeable: if I ask for a bite of your food, or ask you to hand me something, you usually say "sure!" and hand it to me. I love the "Sure!"

You still love to read, by yourself or being read to. Unfortunately you've also fallen madly in love with TV and ask for it non-stop. I get you out of your crib to "one show?" and put you down to talk of "movie?" When I tell you "no" you often start sobbing, asking "why not?" Pitiful.

When I point to a picture of you and ask who it is, you exclaim "Jackie!" I'm trying to work on Jack River instead. You ask about Nate when he's at school, and are visibly happy when he comes home. You love bringing him things and say "welcome!" even if he doesn't say thank you.

You are completely in love, obsessed with trains. You play with your trains and tracks for real stretches at a time. You carry the trains around with you, putting them in my purse when you realize we're leaving the house. You love the Thomas books and movies, and yell out whenever you see a train (usually the Metro) around town. You've come to believe that any overpass or bridge is a train track, spotting them all over town.

You used to say "wuv eew!" but now you say "love you" instead. When I tuck you in at night I lay you on your pillow and give you Pink Doll and Paci (and new additions Dinosaur and Lion and Doggie). Then we talk about how first comes yellow blanket, then blue blanket, and then Turtle Blanket(!) (which is really the frog blanket but I said it wrong the first time and now you're committed to it being called Turtle Blanket). When you're totally tucked in we murmer "I love yous" to each other for a while before I leave. Best part of my day, hands-down.

When we were in Aruba there was a big elephant statue, probably just a bit taller than you. We spent a lot of time with it one evening, touching and smiling at it and talking to it. When it was time to leave for the hotel, I told you to tell elephant good night. You went over and gave it a pat, then said "Wuv eew elephant!" You looked at the shop right behind at all the toys in the window and carried on: "Wuv eew babies! See you later! Wuv eew trucks! Wuv eew boat!" It's honestly more than my heart can take sometimes.

I love your spirit, I love your love, I love your sassiness. I'm so grateful for you Jack.

Love,
Mama

Aruba through the years

2010-02-22T22:21:00.002-05:00

Stewart took a picture of me and the boys in Aruba in 2008 and I've tried to replicate it both years since. Backgrounds are different but at least I remembered which sides the boys should be on. Nate was not happy about it this year!

2008:

2009:

2010:

Notes

2010-01-11T20:40:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted much. Honestly, I'm going through a really rough patch. I am feeling the passing of time excruciatingly; watching the kids grow up has suddenly, hopefully temporarily, turned more bitter than sweet. However lousy I feel, I know I'll feel worse if I don't even take a stab at updating here, so some short notes:

Tonight, just minutes ago, I heard Jack chortling all alone, in the dark, in his crib. It was like a miracle. I can hardly stand it sometimes. I went in to enjoy the company and we had a talk about what was funny - the pacifier was funny, Pink Doll was funny, Grandma was funny, Aunt Deborah was especially funny. I want to crawl inside of him and live there.
Jack got tubes in his ears last week on Monday. We were pretty sure he needed them but not 100%; we're now the "after" video of parents saying "I wish we'd done it a year ago." He's slept through the night every single night since it was done. He was amazing at the hospital; they said that most kids get really upset about the mask. I tried to head it off by talking about playing dress-up, and wearing a mask. Luckily all the nurses and doctors were already wearing theirs; he was confused but okay about it after that. Stewart held him on his lap and I knelt in front of him and we sang "ABC" and then "Twinkle, Twinkle." About 3/4 of the way through Twinkle I watched the focus go out of his eyes; he slumped over and the nurses transferred him to the table. I lost it entirely and Stewart led me out. Less than 20 minutes later it was all over. Jack, right before surgery:
Nate was really sick for the first time in years - spiking in the 102s, laying in bed alone for hours, feverish for 5 full days. He let me lay next to him in bed and rub his back; it was all the comfort I could give him. He started fighting the Motrin after a few days, so he would just lay still and sad in bed or on the couch.
Nate and I like to watch the "cake shows" together now: Ace of Cakes and The Cake Boss. He thinks every cake is beautiful and amazing. I think he's beautiful and amazing.
Today I put little chocolate-chip mini-scones in their after-school snack and Jack said "Mama? Tastes chockate!" It was the first "observation" type statement he's really ever made and it blew me away.
Jack loves cereal with milk.
Nate says "like" every third word now. Last week he told me "I kind of have like a headache."
When Jack is done with his cereal, he lifts the bowl up to his mouth and slurps up all the leftover milk.
Stewart has taught the boys to lick their fingers and then stick them in the sugar bowl. They all say "Mmmmmmm....good!" Jack says "Mmmmmm....DOOD!" with amazing force and relish.

I meant to add some photos but my new computer has a wacky photo program and if I wait to figure it out I'll never get this posted. The end.

When Jack is tired...

2009-12-21T21:42:00.003-05:00

he's like a drunken frat boy. Some kids turn into monsters when they're tired, fussy and irritable. Jack gets wasted. He's smiley, goofy, stumble-ey, stagger-ey, giggly...

He's in bed for the night right now but hoping for a reprieve. He knows to go for the sucker: Daddy, but keeps getting Mommy. When I just walked in he was standing at the crib rail, smiling at me. I walked towards him to help settle him and he plopped backwards onto his bottom, looked at me, grinned, and said "fell down!"

Wasted baby.

Jackabean

2009-12-19T22:08:00.002-05:00

Jack's been having a terrible time with sleep for the last few months - ear infections started it up, then he figured out we'd come when he called, and that power has gone straight to his head. We're trying to do a gentle sleep-training to get him back to where he was before; it's somewhat successful. Let's just say that a good night means he only wakes up once and goes back down without a fight.

At night when I put him to bed I ask him if he wants to sit together in the chair for a minute; we rock and I sing to him. A few nights ago he was sobbing after I put him down. When I went in to him, he was doing that gasping, crying, talking thing and when I finally figured out what he was saying my heart broke a little bit: "Chair minute?" He was asking to sit in the chair with me. I broke my own rules and pulled him out of the crib for a cuddle.

Tonight he wasn't crying, just calling to me to have me come back in. My rule is to go in, give him back his paci and doll, cover him back up, and leave. I went through the plan fine the first time, but as I'm tucking him in the second time he looks at me and says "hug?"

There was hugging.

Nate update

2009-12-14T14:24:00.002-05:00

Not a formal newsletter but a little update on my sweet Nate.

We're enjoying the bounty of Chanukah right now and Nate's thrilled with his gifts. His favorite are the Backugan I got him and the little carrying case to keep them organized. He loves the Captain Underpants stories from Grandma, the police legos from Aunt Drebba, and the dinosaur from our neighbors David & David. Surprisingly, he's really into Hi-Ho-Cherry-O which is really fun for me.

School is going amazingly well. I'm thrilled with their program (right now they're doing a 6-week unit on "Solids, Liquids, and Gasses") and Nate's still heading out happily each morning. We should be getting his first-ever report card soon and I'm excited to hear what they have to say. He had his first field-trip last week, to see the Terra Cotta Warriors at the National Geographic Museum, and I got to chaperon which was a hoot. I definitely learned more than they did.

Today when I picked him up from school he told me that "Today was the best best best day ever, better than the other days I told you that!" They mixed some kind of powder with water and got to play with the results. The time that was best best before this time was because they got to do painting on a long sheet of paper that everyone painted on together. I am so grateful and glad that Nate loves to learn, and that he's in a school that encourages it and brings out the best in him.

He's still an absolutely amazing brother, almost always sweet to Jack - bringing him favorite toys when he's upset, sharing his Chanukah presents, trying to include him in play. He loves to be helpful, and he usually is. It's hilarious to listen to him try to "translate" Jack for me - if I can't understand Jack, Nate chimes in with "He says X" and he's almost always totally wrong. But it's fun.

Tonight his Chanukah present was the Tag reading system and he liked it a lot more than I was worried he would. He played with it alone for at least 15 minutes (a bit of a miracle from my "play with me" boy!) and we played with it in bed tonight instead of "regular" reading. I showed him how he could try sounding words out himself and then use the pen to check himself. I absolutely could not believe it when he correctly sounded out, otherwise known as READ, several words: books, look, cup, milk, cat, and hat. I actually teared up after the fourth word; I am so amazed and proud of him.

A few weeks ago when I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up (a frequent question) he told me that he wanted to be a McDonalds guy and also go into outer space. Roger.

Tonight he tried to play me for the first time: he wandered into the kitchen with a sly smile on his face and said "Since you're such a nice Mom, I know you'll let us watch a TV show..." I gave him full credit for the effort. TV denied.

He is absolutely amazing, frustrating, brilliant, sensitive, and fabulous.

Babylon

2009-12-14T13:49:00.002-05:00

(First snow)

So Jack has exploded all over the place. The talking is just too cute. He's repeating almost everything we say. There's a little ritual every time I tell him a new word:

(Reading an animal book)

Mama: What's that Jack? (pointing at a snail)
Jack: Bug
Mama: It's a snail. Snnnaaillll...
Jack: Snail???
Mama: Snail.
Jack: Snail.

He always repeats the word as a question first, then really decisively the second time. He still has weird accents and speech things ("Yes" is still "ess" though he threw in a "yeah" this morning) but the content is really diverse now, and he's using phrases.

In no particular order:

"Watch dis, Mama!"
(Looking at the camera: "Picture Jack!")
"Hear dat?"
"Have it" when he wants something, or "Hold it"
When he's saying goodbye, he often follows it with "Soon!" for "see you soon!"
"Taller"
"Chocolate", "Chocolate milk"
"Downstairs"
"Under"
"Dinosaurs" (pronounced "dino-saur-US")
"Heavy"
"HUGE truck!" (or bus, or car, or dinosaurUS)

This morning he recognized and named a triangle when we were doing puzzles. He's still completely clueless on colors - everything is "blue." My most favorite thing is when he's asking for something like milk but forgets the "please" - I tell him to ask me nicely and he looks at me sweetly and says "nicely?"

Couldn't be cuter.

Jack's Monthly Newsletter, Two Years!

2009-12-03T11:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Jack,

My poor sweet boy. Here I am late with yet another newsletter! Does it count that I am here, doing it, trying? I hope so.

So...you're two! Good job! We had your checkup and everything went swimmingly. You did have yet another ear infection, but that's par for the course. Your stats were:

Height: 34.5 (50-75th percentile)
Weight: 27.5 (75-90th percentile)
Head circumfrence: 95th percentile

I don't know what's up with that big head of yours but they seem entirely uninterested in it. They're also totally unphased by your language anymore, as are Daddy and I. I think the doctor was far more concerned with my sanity when I presented her with a list I'd made of your words...alphabetized. In my defense, it was only alphabetized because I needed a way to weed out duplicate entries (banana was on there three times). Anyway, as of that visit the list was over 80 words and I know for sure there were some missing.

But since that visit goodness your language has made that "explosion" that everyone talks about. You're just adding words left and right, and taking it to a whole new level besides basic nouns. My personal favorite is "thee-uns" where you're pointing at something you want or need - these ones. You're also saying "see..." to point something out to us. When you want something someone else has you're tacking "too" on the end - "cookie too" and such. You were saying "aye" for yes for weeks, which we adored, but now it's just "esss." You picked up "watch this!" when you were jumping on the bed with Nate, and my other favorite - "okay" which is almost always followed by Mama, so I hear "okay Mama" all day and it just makes me happy. You also say "no tanks" now which made Deborah offer you something you didn't want, over and over, just to hear you say it again and again. Yesterday Kari told you "Don't do that!" and you've been saying "no do that!" ever since.

Oh my goodness. Did I seriously get this far through this letter without mentioning the abysmal mood you've been in for the past month? It started October 31st; we got you your H1N1 shot in the morning and then you burned the dickens out of your hand that afternoon at a Halloween party. You were obviously testy that day, and the next, but literally a month later and things have only marginally improved. I have picture after picture of you that looks like this:

and this

and although it's cute and funny in a way, it's getting really old. Seriously old. There's a lot of whining, clinging, scrabbling, fussing, and generally being a grumpy demanding pain in the ass. When you don't like something, you shout "no!" and punch whatever it is away from you. When I offer you some snack on a plate or in a bag, you try to force me, loudly and incessantly, to give you the whole darn bag to hold. You've gotten to that cliche point where you want everything you want the way you want it.

If memory serves, Nate started with the "terrible twos" around 18 months so I was thinking I was in the clear with you. But I think, as in every other department, you're catching right up. I'm glad you're advancing and progressing and all, but maybe in this one area you could let things slide a little?

But really truly none of that matters. Not an ounce. When we're out in public you snake an arm around my thigh, reach for my hand, ask to be held, or find some other way to stay touching me. I'll sit down somewhere in the house while you play only to have you come find me, lay yourself over my lap, and sigh "Mama..." at me. When we lay in bed together you've taken to snaking one hand under my neck and one over and pulling my head into yours. We murmur back and forth "Love you, Jack"..."Luh you Mama"..."Love you baby"..."Luh you Mama" and I count every single blessing that you are to me. You are the most loving boy I've ever known and I'm so grateful for you. We are lucky beyond measure to have you in our lives.

Love,
Mama

Nate's smart little mouth

2009-11-16T10:18:00.000-05:00

So a few weekends ago Stewart took the boys to Charlottesville to celebrate Peepa's 78th birthday (I had a prior commitment). I was talking to them on the phone on Saturday and having a choppy speaker-phone "conversation" with Nate. At one point we were talking over each other, then a long pause, and Nate asks me what I was going to say. I told him "I was going to say that I love you and I miss you!" Another long pause, and he replies: "So say it!"

He wasn't trying to be smart, but it had Stewart and I howling.

As a side note, every time we read one of the Thomas the Train books, Jack gets to the page with Sir Topham Hatt and exclaims "Peepa!" I've given up trying to explain. Now Sir Topham Hatt is Peepa. Fine with me.

There was a second thing but for the life of me I've already forgotten it. So I'll go on to write about how it looks like Nate might actually be really smart. It's worrying us. We weren't anticipating it. But Nate keeps stuffing it in our faces, over and over, and we're getting to the point where we just can't ignore it anymore.

In the car a few days ago we were spelling words, one of his favorite things to do. We obviously spelled out Nate and then he asked me to spell out Shane with him (our friend Kari's son who stayed the weekend with us). We did, and then I asked him "What is the only letter from your name that isn't in Shane's name." He thought for a while, and then said "T!" Right on, baby.

Stewart took him on an errand walk yesterday and they were talking about the color of the leaves and Stewart told him that they turn from red to orange to yellow, then die and fall off the tree. Nate totally called him on that nonsense by pointing out the red leaves lying on the ground - that they hadn't turned to any other colors, just red. Genius boy. (He followed this conversation up by narc-ing the leaf-color nonsense out to me and giving me the chance to debunk it.)

He also used a Sesame Street alphabet book to figure out the names of the characters he didn't know - he was able to use the first letter of their names to figure it out (like using "G" to figure out that it was Grover, and "T" to figure out that it was Telly).

And a few days ago he read the word "start." He sounded out all five letters perfectly; he just failed at squshing them together to figure out what the word really said. Progress.

Jack's Monthly Newsletter, One Year Eleven Months

2009-10-20T11:18:00.001-04:00

Dear Jack,

I'm about to write this newsletter and mention what an amazing turn-around you've made in your sleep habits, and as I'm trying to find the words you're completely resisting your nap for the first time in months. I type a few words, go into your room, give you back your pink doll and paci, tuck you in, come back to the computer, get my thoughts together, and you start yelling "Mom! Mom! Mom!" again.

On the whole, though, you're a sleeping miracle. You go to bed at 7:30 pm and wake up around 7:30 am. We take Nate to school, come home, play for a while, read some books, and you go down for a nap around 11. Most days you wake at 2 or even 2:30! And when you're home, you're easy as pie: you putter, read books, play with the train set, dismantle the kitchen, zoom airplanes around the house. Sometimes I have to intentionally play with you because otherwise it's so easy for me to work the whole time you're awake. You really are the easiest baby.

And I know you're not a baby, Jack. You're turning 2 next month, but I can't process it. When Nate was your age, he seemed like a little boy to me. You still seem like my sweet baby and it's hard for me to switch my thinking around. Your language is coming along now; I think that'll help you seem more like a little boy. (Gratuitous shot of you fingerpainting with chocolate pudding:)

You have your 2-year checkup in a month so I'm making list of your words as I notice them. This morning I added nuts, NOW!, why, and sleeping to the list for a total of 70 words and I'm sure there are a few others I haven't pinned down. You've also started regularly using 2 words together - this morning you asked for "juice please Mom." You've asked me to "open banana" for you, requested the "train book", slid off the carousel with an "all done horsie" and clutched numerous toys to your chest while chanting "mine phone (or mine train or mine whatever)". These days "mine" is ranking as favorite word #1.

You remain the bad influence in this house, Jack. Your poor brother never bit, hit, pushed, or kicked until you came along and started whacking at him all the time. For a while he was hitting (or pushig or biting) you back but now he just calls to me in a resigned voice: "Mom, Jack just hit me one time (or two times or lots of times)" and I come along and sternly tell you "NO HITTING!" at which point you grin at me and take another swing at Nate. I've tried time-out but you truly don't understand it at all so I'm left with getting more and more frustrated and pulling you away and talking sharply which also doesn't seem to be helping at all. Shocking, right?

On the flip side, you're incredibly loving and affectionate. You pull at me to pick you up and then rest your head on my shoulder murmering "Mama...mama...mama". You sigh with love. When Daddy comes home you run to him squealing. You look at Nate with love and hug him tight. During the day you sometimes gather up Pink Doll, paci, and your big yellow blanket and stumble towards me with them all in your arms; I pick you up and we settle in on the green recliner for a little snuggle time. You and Deborah had a good cuddle on the train on the way to Boston:

Last week we were emptying out of the car after picking Nate up at school and I saw Sophia and her Mommy down the street in front of their house. It was almost 2 blocks away and I only knew it was them because 1) it was outside of their house, 2) one was tall and one was short, and 3) they were white. You looked up and saw them and took off running, yelling "Hi!". I got you safely across the street and you ran the rest of the way to them, stopped in front of Sophia, and wrapped your arms around her middle. I could have died of love. I was also astounded at your amazing eyesight - you get that from your Daddy!

You are the sweetest thing going, Jack, and I would happily freeze you in time if I could. You're about as perfect as a boy could be and I don't know what good thing I did in a past life to deserve you, but I'm enjoying every second of it. I'm so glad you're you.

Love,
Mama

Parent-teacher conference

2009-10-08T23:16:00.002-04:00

This morning I had my first-ever parent-teacher conference. You'd think this, at last, would convince me of my grown-up-ed-ness but, well, no. Still doesn't compute.

Anyway, back to Nate.

Meeting was just me, the lead English teacher (Ms. Amy), and the lead Chinese teacher (Wang Laoshur (teacher)). Stewart wasn't able to make it out of work, unfortunately.

The first question they had for me was if I had any questions for them. I told them that since I drop Nate off out front of the school each morning, and pick him up out front, and aren't really allowed to sit in class (it's so distracting for the kids), we are so curious about what Nate's doing all day! Obviously we know a lot about the schedule of his day, and what they're working on, because they're so good at communicating with us. But in terms of how Nate is specifically doing, the only clues I had were that he doesn't mind going to school, doesn't mind Chinese days, and has made one really good friend named Leo. So my guess was that things are going well for him, but I was really looking forward to the meeting for more details.

Best day ever.

They said that Nate is doing great. They said he's listening well and really participating in class and class projects. That he's doing well socially, getting along with everyone, interacting eagerly, and that he's happy. They thought his grasp of written letters, and school in general, was really "mature" and stressed how unusual that is in a boy his age (they said they rarely get to say that about anyone, especially a boy). They showed me an assessment they do the first day of each month where they give every kid a long piece of paper and ask them to write their Names, write all the letters they know, write all the numbers they know, and draw a pretty picture on the back. They don't give them any guidance with it. Nate's first had his name, ABCDE, scribbles for numbers, and his picture on the front of the page. His second had his name in a little more concise fashion, less letters, but it had 12345 and the picture on the back of the page. Seemed like a wash to me, but they seemed to be pleased with the progress.

The last step was for me to share our goals for Nate (one for each parent) and they would share theirs. They pulled out a totally blank piece of paper and told me that they were having a really hard time figuring out any goals for Nate, that he was already doing everything he was supposed to be doing. The best they could come up with, each of them, was that his fine motor control is okay but not great. My goal is for him to learn to enjoy playing by himself a little: playing with trains or building with blocks or something that doesn't involve direct parental involvement. So we wrote down our goals (Stewart's was just a boost in his reading ability) and the teachers are going to come up with an individual plan for him and then have an official "meeting" alone with Nate to go over the goals and get his thoughts on how he thinks they can work towards meeting the goals. That school kills me, they are so great!

So that was my amazing day. It's weird: I'm so thrilled and proud of him, but I just don't feel really responsible for any of it. Nate is exactly who is because he was born that way. He's been a rule-follower his whole life. He's been really adaptable to new situations since he was 2 years old. He's just who he is.

But I intend to enjoy the feeling. The only other assessments I've ever had have all been on Jack, and talked about what he should be doing that he isn't. It's a real joy to hear that all is well and good with Nate. He's just the best.

Nate's Monthly Newsletter, Four Years One Month

2009-10-07T09:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Nate,

I'm here, I promise. I'm sorry I've missed so many newsletters but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things.

So, you're four! You're quite pleased about it, but doing a lot of thinking already about when you're five (and Jack will be three and Leo will be six and Sophia will be seven). You love to play with numbers that way; you're always announcing that there are two boys and two girls in the room (if Deborah is over), or that all three people are wearing flip-flops, or that three people got one thing for dinner and only one person got something different. You remind me of your Grandpa and your cousin Simon with your aptitude. We work on addition when we're driving (if you have two apples and you get one more, how many do you have? I encourage you to use your fingers to help with the concept - I may come to regret that "teaching tool.")

It also gives a glimpse into how incredibly observant (and sweet) you are. I picked you up at school a few days ago and you immediately exclaimed "I like your new necklace!" You don't miss a thing.

You are constantly surprised when I know something you've done (or not done, in the case of washing your hands after you use the bathroom). When I talk to you about it, you're constantly asking me "How do you know that?!" I just tell you how smart I am, and how Mommies know everything.

As an aside, we've taken to telling each other stories at night instead of reading books. The one I tell is always a variation on "Nate was doing something and then he jumped up and he FLEW! and here's all the stuff he saw and did."

So last week I amazed you by knowing what you did at school (there was a note from your teachers about what you did at school that day) and you were, as always, incredulous that I knew about it. This time I explained it with a longer story: the day Nate was born, I became a Mommy and the hospital gave me the big Mommy book that all Mommies have. It tells the Mommies everything about everything, so they can always know all the answers and be able to help their kids.

So this morning we were talking on the way to school and you asked me a question about something inane (superheroes or some other such incredibly boring nonsense). I tried to thoughtfully tell you that I just didn't know the answer to whatever it was, and heard you ask me "What about your book?" My what? You clarified: "Remember your everything book?"

Seriously, how did you remember that? It took me a good 10 seconds for me to just figure out what you were talking about! You have a seriously amazing memory.

Nate, this parenthood thing is tough. I've really worked on how we get along, and learned so much from your Daddy about making you laugh when you get pouty. But it's still so frustrating when we have a really great day, and then right at the end I get snappy or you throw a tantrum or something else that puts a little blight on the day.

But tonight I lay in bed with you and told you stories, and rubbed your back, and kissed you too many times. I hope you remember those things more than the little slips and blips in our days. I promise to do my best to do the same.

Love you like crazy, Natey.
Mama

Could he be any cuter?

2009-09-27T14:13:00.000-04:00

There's no other pretext for this post: Jack could not be any cuter, in looks, in personality, in any way.

Supporting evidence:

Literally smelling the flowers:

Case closed.

Nate turned four!

2009-09-25T11:07:00.002-04:00

Nate's big birthday bash was a few weeks ago and Stewart got some wonderful photos!

We had the event at Pump It Up and it was perfect from beginning to end. I didn't have to worry about anything but bouncing with the kids, talking with the other parents, and eating some halfway decent pizza.

Nate had a wonderful time. Yesterday when we were driving to school, out of nowhere, he said "I wish I could live at Pump It Up forever."

Then Nate's friends got to pay him homage while he sat on his throne and ate:

Alison made fart noises to get them all to smile at the same time:

And the ride home:

Update

2009-09-22T22:12:00.002-04:00

So much is slipping past and I know I'm missing out on writing it down, but my head just isn't in the blog these days. Forgive me, everyone.

I keep waiting for the "where do babies come from" question but instead about a month ago Nate asked this: where were we before we were born? I thought for a second, then answered him honestly: I don't know. I told him that some people believed that there is a God who made us, and some people think we just grew here (kinda like a plant), but that nobody is really sure. He seemed fine with that.

Nate is also very interested in death these days. We've talked about his grandma who died, and is sleeping now, but haven't had any reason to force the issue or dwell on it. A few months ago he started talking about superheroes and how they killed somebody, and soldiers and how they killed somebody. I think there was also something about a dog that died, and I flinched when it came up, but Nate wasn't scared or freaked out at all - he was pretty pointed about how the dog was dead.

Yesterday we were driving to school and Nate started a familiar conversation about when Daddy gets old (he usually says he'll take care of him, and carry him like a baby, and tuck him in), but this time he told me that when Daddy gets old he'll die. I confirmed it, but told him that it was going to be in a really, really long time. He went on to say that when Daddy gets old he'll die and then he won't have any Daddy and that it'll be sad. I agreed with him, telling him how it would be so sad, but it would be in a really long time and he'd have a Daddy for a long time. He thought for a minute and then said: "And when I get really old, I'll die too." Yes, Natey, you'll die but it won't be for so long, until you're really really really old. Then, in the same earnest tone, he told me about something he had in his lunchbox. Like they were related, but they weren't related at all. It's just the stream of consciousness he has, the thoughts he's processing.

Whew. Heavy stuff.

Eden

2009-09-11T19:33:00.003-04:00

Nate's fourth birthday was a few days ago, and his big party is tomorrow at Pump It Up. I'm getting so much joy out of watching his excitement build. Even more than that, though, I'm floored to realize that he has absolutely no association between this upcoming birthday party and getting presents. None.

This is the first party I haven't insisted on "no gifts." We have a small house, he has plenty of toys, and I hate writing thank-you notes: a perfect set of reasons to save our guests the trouble in the past. But I figured he'd probably realize he was getting ripped-off at the ripe old age of 4, and didn't wave off the gifts this year.

A few days ago Sophia asked him what he wanted for his birthday and Nate was totally befuddled. She asked him a few more ways, and the confusion never lifted. Getting exasperated, she said something along the lines of "You know, what do you want to GET FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?!?!" to which he responded "cake?" We ran into them again today and she said she'd just come back from buying his present and watching the dawning of the joy on his face was amazing. He honestly didn't know she would be bringing a present. Or that the other 6 families worth of kids will also be bringing presents. And Grandma and Grandpa. (Not us. The party is his present. And the Lite Brite he got on his actual birthday.)

I watch him a lot these days, the joy and the innocence and the desire to please and the little tantrums and the nakedness of his emotions. He doesn't know to cover himself up. He doesn't know to care how he looks. He runs to me "Mommy!" when I pick him up at school, and he's "rocking out" to music with me, and he's totally into being a superhero running around the room with a dishtowel cape, and he's running out of the bathroom naked in front of his friends, and I am so so so aware that this part of his life is so close to ending. I know it's coming. I know there's nothing I can do to stop it. He's Adam in the Garden of Eden right now, and he's months or weeks or days or seconds away from realizing he's naked. And then he'll cover himself up, forever.

So I watch him a lot. I'm reveling in his exuberance, his joy, his innocence. I'm storing it up for later. And when he's older and jaded and properly covered up, I'll show him the pictures and videos of the days when he was truly carefree. And then we'll revel together.

Catching up

2009-08-30T20:57:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is Nate's first day of real school and it's been an eternity since I've written here. I've been busy, overwhelmed, tired, cranky, and still massively in love with these children of mine.

Nate and I are in the middle of a wonderful friendship. I've worked on myself, he's outgrowing the truly-terrible-threes, and we're getting on so well. I've learned when to make him laugh instead of enforcing discipline; he's being incredibly helpful and sweet.

Last night we had dinner at a friend's house and their little boy scared Jack and made him cry pretty hard. I picked him up to comfort him and a few seconds later I felt Nate at my knees; I looked down to see him bringing over a singing Elmo toy that Jack had loved earlier in the day. He played it over and over, trying to get Jack to stop crying. Keep in mind that he had been playing with the new love of his life, Maddie, who thrilled him with her video games and casual use of the words "stupid" and "hate" which we don't use in our house. He wanted to help Jack so much that he stepped away from Maddie for the first time all night.

Earlier yesterday we were heading downtown to the mall with my friend Emily and her new boyfriend Joe. I decided to leave Stewart at home with Jack who really needed a nap. I went to gather Jack up to put him down before leaving and Nate implored me "But I want him to come with us! I love him!" It was out of left field and it was the first time he'd ever said he loves Jack.

I took both boys to a "bounce house" place last week for a chance to run around and have fun. Nate was loving the huge inflated slide and even Jack was getting in on the action, climbing up the sloped "ladder" and sliding down the slide. On one trip up the ladder, a bunch of kids sped up past Jack which momentarily confused him and he stopped climbing and looked around. I watched as Nate was about to be the next kid to speed right by him and was really surprised when Nate noticed Jack and stopped. He took Jack's left hand, helped him stand up, and walked him all the way to the top of the ladder (with about 8 kids bottle-necked behind them). He sat down next to Jack and slid down holding his hand, then took him back to the ladder and escorted him all the way back up again. He's amazing.

A few days ago Nate called to me from bed and something about his tone sounded urgent. I ran up the stairs to him, opened the door, and he said to me "You don't have to rush!" He's appreciative and warm these days, shockingly considerate of others.

When I put him to bed at night, Nate asks me if I'll lay with him for a few minutes. I lay down next to him and stroke his back and we talk about little things. Sometimes he throws his arm around me and we have a bit of a cuddle. I tell him he's my favorite boy, my sweet guy, and how incredibly proud I am of him.

I am incredibly proud of him.

He reads!

2009-07-10T16:20:00.003-04:00

So Nate was never much interested in books as a toddler; I blamed it on the fact that we didn't spend much time reading to him. Seems logical, right?

But, as you can imagine, we don't do things much differently with Jack and at least three times a day I find him sitting somewhere (on the couch, in a chair, or smack in the middle of the floor) with a book. Heck sometimes I find him standing stock still in the middle of the room looking through a book. He hoots at pictures, points, smiles, and sometimes brings them to me to share the joy. I now keep one in my purse and when he gets antsy in the car I just give it to him and watch the grin spread over his face.

I get such a kick out of this kid!

Fourth of July

2009-07-07T14:30:00.003-04:00

Stewart took such wonderful photos on our weekend away that I'll just muck them up if I write too much about them. I'll try to let them speak for themselves.

Nate hanging out with his beloved older cousins:

and learning different "hand bumps":

Cherubs cavorting:

In the fireworks glow:

Funny conversations

2009-06-28T19:32:00.000-04:00

I've been jotting down funny things that Nate has said to me over the last year or so; I keep meaning to work them into a post. Seeing as how they're building up I thought I'd just make one post of them so I don't forget or lose them. Without further ado...

Ages ago, I asked Nate something about his brother; probably what he liked to do with Jack and he told me "I love him and I kiss him and I push him" which was about right, and still is.

Last week I was starting the bath, sitting on the edge of the tub, and watched Nate head into the hallway towards Jack. Sensing something, I peeked through the gap between the door and the wall and saw him take Jack's arm and push him backwards. I came around the door and growled "We do not push Jack" and Nate's started response was "But you didn't see me!" (My response? "I see everything.")

Another ages ago: Nate was asking for a snack and I asked him "What about Goldfish?" and he said "What about NO?"

Six months ago? We were driving home from Charlottesville and Nate was pointing everything out, like he always does. I usually respond with some nonsensical "Hi truck!" or "Hi house!" and this time I said the requisite "Hi star!" and had Nate respond "It's not a talking star, it's a night star!"

A few months ago Nate took Jack's ball away from him and I made him give it back. Nate told me "Then I don't love you anymore." I swallowed hard and casually told him "That's okay, I love you enough for both of us." Later we had a little talk about how words like that can make people feel sad and he told me "Well I still love you a little bit.

And lastly a not particularly funny but super-cute one:

Nate: "We all have jobs, right?"
Leah: "We do!"
Nate: "What's Daddy's job?"
Leah: "He helps people fix their computers. What's your job?"
Nate thinks for a while...
Nate: "My job is to be a good brother to Jack."
Leah: "Yes, and to be a good boy for us."
Nate: "What's Jack's job?"
Leah: "He's so little, he doesn't really have one yet."
Nate: "I know! His job is to take care of pink doll."

Is my kid the sweetest or what?

Traditions

2009-06-27T12:06:00.002-04:00

My family took a trip to King's Dominion, or occasionally another amusement park, at least once a year. It was a blast and it was one of the first traditions I planned for "when I have kids."

On Thursday my sister and I took Nate to Sesame Place for the first of what will surely be many trips to the amusement park.

There was much playing and running and climbing:

He's perfected his "camera smile" - here with Deborah on Big Birds Balloon Race:

He met super-heroes:

and was spoiled rotten by Aunt Deborah with large sugary treats:

We saw Big Bird marching next to the Big Bird float in the big parade:

and stood in his foot prints on the way out of the park:

Mom and Nate together before we left:

and Nate so tired on the way home that when we stopped for dinner he slept while I put him in the stroller and slept all the way through the meal. Tired boy:

Nate was pretty brave; he balked at the roller coaster and after Deborah and I rode it we were thrilled that he'd skipped it - it was pretty intense. He dove head-first into all the kid rides and recovered nicely from a scary experience on a waterslide. Next year he'll be a whole different kid and I think it'll be time for King's Dominion and all of the kiddie rides there. And the year after we'll bring Jack along for the fun!

My special guys

2009-06-21T21:54:00.003-04:00

Today we went out for lunch with my sister and parents, and a few of my sister's friends. It was a normal lunch and we had a nice time. On the way out one of my sister's friends came up to me and said "I just want to tell you how well behaved your kids are. I'm a teacher, and I can't believe how great they were." It made my day.

Nate helps out in little ways all the time, too. He gets Jack's shoes for me, brings the newspaper to the table, carries groceries from the car, hauls bags to the car...he's just a great helper kid.

And in-between his sometimes-moodiness and grumpiness, Nate is the most incredibly caring and giving brother and son. He never ceases to amaze me. He's always giving Jack some of his juice, bites off of his plate, and toys. If Jack's upset, he runs to find Pink Doll or a pacifier. At lunch today he was handing bites of his spaghetti, and sips of his OJ, all around the table. He and Jack are just starting to be able to play together and boy is the cuteness making me want another baby. But that's a different post for a different day, right?

But seriously, who wouldn't want more of this around?

First day of camp!

2009-06-15T19:54:00.002-04:00

Nate had his first day of camp today and it truly could not have gone better.

On the way over I talked to him about whether or not he wanted me to stay with him and he decided that he didn't (I planned to stick around for a bit regardless). We made our way to the community center and opened the door to the room - Nate shrunk against me and said really quickly "I want you to stay." It took about 4 minutes for him to start playing with the toys in the room and about 15 for him to peel off and hit the big, huge, fabulous playground. I tried to say goodbye but he was too interested in playing - I got a half-hearted hug before he tore off back to the swings.

And that was it! Camp was supposed to go until 5 but I headed over around 2:45 to check on him. He was crashed out sound asleep on his bedroll (they do rest time from 1:30 to 3). I let Jack play in the playground while I peeked in and watched the wonderful aide, Miss Raquel, gently try over and over to wake Nate up. She was so sweet and kind and ended up cradling him like a baby while he came back to life. Then they started Snack #2 and I went in and crashed the party. He was a little grumpy from having his nap aborted but couldn't have cared less about having his first full-day away from me. He's just tough as nails.

I'm thoroughly thrilled with the facility and the teachers. They are so kind and warm and genuinely happy to be there with the kids. The classroom is tiny but they have access to an enormous fenced-in playground and lots of other play areas. They take a field-trip every Monday, sometimes to a pool (with a kiddie pool). All of this for $100 for each two-week session! Thrilled.

Tomorrow I'll leave him until 4 and see how it goes. I feel so foot-loose and fancy-free!

Quick update

2009-06-14T22:11:00.004-04:00

I know, I know - I missed another Nate newsletter. We're just so busy with buying the house, getting Nate ready to start camp tomorrow (!) and regular life that I just had to let it go.

Jack had his 18-month checkup last week and the doctor is very happy with his progress. She said if he came in as a new patient she wouldn't have any concerns about his speech or development. He has about 16 words that he uses totally independently now and several more that he repeats. He's now trying Please ("peeeeee!") and All Done. He's cruising along, and my concerns are by the wayside. I'm so grateful that this sweet boy of mine is okay.

Here are his stats from the appointment:

Height: 33.5 inches (75-90th percentile)
Weight 26.2 pounds (50-75th percentile)
Head circumference: 50 cm (95th percentile - thank goodness he didn't come out the old fashioned way!)

So Nate starts camp tomorrow and it'll be the first time he goes full-day (the hours are 9-5 but I'll probably head over around 3:30 or 4). I'm very aware that this is a major turning-point in Nate's life and in mine, too. I feel like we're at the top of the hill and he's about to head down the other side - I can see him starting slowly and picking up speed as he moves towards his life, and away from life with me.

I know I've made mistakes with him. It's just in the last weeks that I've found a middle-ground where I'm still enforcing the discipline but taking the edge off so we're getting through the days with a lot more laughter and fun. I wish I'd found it sooner. I regret so many days I could have lighten the mood, played a little more, worked a little less.

But I also know I must have done okay because he still wants me around, he still asks me to play, he wants to hug me when I'm sad, and he's got the greatest heart I've ever seen. He's giving and loving and kind, and if he's also sassy and grumpy sometimes I'll take him exactly the way he is.

Any minute he's going to grow up - I've already seen it happen with his friends. They're already concerned with how they look, what they say - they already don't want Mom around. Nate's not there yet and I promise to savor all of this little-boy time we have left. I'm so grateful for him, for his spirit, for his fun, for his sweetness.

Love you Natey.

Get down with it

2009-05-29T14:12:00.003-04:00

Jack's always been into music, but he's taking it to a whole new level these days. His joy is palpable.

In other milestone news, a few days ago he requested "wah-woah" (water - pointing to the cup in front of me) and then requested "more". That was the first time I could think of that he used language as a tool to get something, and with no prompting at all from me. Today when I offered him a few more french fries he took them, said "no", and then put them back into my hand. He's getting there.

School's out for summer!

2009-05-27T12:14:00.004-04:00

Today was Nate's last day of preschool co-op and some of the parents organized a little party. About halfway through the singing portion I realized I was attending my first school recital. Sniff.

All told, I think co-op was a wonderful experience - both for Nate and for me. He matured so much, and really formed some real friendships. He learned to navigate through so many different experiences and social situations. I got to meet some wonderful parents and it even provided a bit of social life, and Jack just adored my duty days when he got to run around with the other kids.

Thanks so much to the parents who took care of my boy while he was away from me. It was a great feeling to get to trust his care to others without worrying a bit.

In a few weeks Nate will start camp, and in September he'll start Pre-K at Yu Ying Public Charter School. He's moving into his life, and I'm so incredibly proud of him and happy for him. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Dedicating this to my Hammerjacks homies

2009-05-21T20:07:00.003-04:00

The torch has officially been passed.

Jack's Monthly Newsletter, One Year Six Months

2009-05-20T10:25:00.002-04:00

Dear Jack,

Happy Half-Birthday To You! If I was just a a touch more Martha, I'd bake you a half-cake like my friend Kara does for her kids, but this newsletter will have to suffice.

I'm excited to take you to your 18-month checkup next week because I finally have some speech progress to report. You now have XXXX real words: DaDa, "Nah" (Nate), "bay-bay" (baby), "bah" (ball), and sometimes "ba!"(up). A week or two ago you finally got interested, a little bit, in trying to repeat what I say. That seems like half the battle to me - wanting to speak. You don't always do it, and you rarely do it on cue, but here are the words you say/repeat regularly now: "doah" (door), no (said in a sweet little voice while pushing away whatever it is you don't want), "moah" (more - with just a little prompting when you want more of whatever you're eating off of my plate), "pah pah" (pepper - red peppers), and "pah!" (popcorn). I'm sure there are a few more I'm forgetting, but there's progress and that's what's so important.

I'm watching you so closely these days, scoring and recording everything you do. In a few more months I think I'll be able to take a deep breath and relax and see you doing the things you're supposed to be doing. And it crossed my mind that soon I'm going to get to really hear from you, what you like, what you don't like...I can't wait.

Last week Grandma was over and we were getting ready to leave the house. I packed your milk and a few other necessities into the stroller basket. Next thing I knew, you toddled over and decisively stuffed pink doll into the basket. Grandma thought it was amazing; I was a little skeptical that you really did it on purpose to take her with us - I thought maybe you just saw me putting things in. But since then you've twice stuffed her into my diaper bag when it was clear that we were about to go out - you want to take her with us wherever you go. When you see her, you still get a big smile on your sweet face.

You still love climbing anything you can find, and you still love being outside. Last weekend you were able to combine both in a love-fest of joy; running down the neighbor's driveway in Charlottesville over and over in the pitch dark, squealing out loud each time as you careened over the dips and bumps. You were the life of the party, of course, with everyone exclaiming over your looks and sweet nature.

You and Nate are spending a lot of time in the backyard in the afternoons; it lets me get a little work done around the house while you guys play without me. Extrapolating from your love of brooms and vacuums inside, your favorite activities outside involve rakes and shovels. Whatever keeps you happy makes me happy.

Last night we went out to dinner for Aunt Dreba's birthday and Daddy let you walk around while we were waiting for our food to come out. I looked over at a table nearby and noticed three older women all smiling and cooing in the same direction. I followed their gaze to see that you were, not surprisingly, the lucky focus of their adoring attention. You smiled and flirted, hiding behind a chair and then peering out to smile at them again, asking for Daddy to pick you up and then smiling at them while you tucked your head "shyly" against Daddy's chest. You are the flirtiest, sweetest little kid I ever knew.

You are the joy of my days, Jack. Your sweetness and love fill me up. We're so lucky to have you.

Love,
Mama

Sweetness from my boy

2009-05-13T15:52:00.005-04:00

On Mother's Day, I finally taught Jack to give kisses. After thousands of examples, he finally figured it out!

I tapped the side of my face and said "Give Mama a kiss" and he'd come over and lean in and put his lips against my cheek and say "mmmmmmmm" and then pull away suddenly with a "wah!" sound - no puckering, but you get the idea. That Sunday he also gave kisses to Grandma and Aunt Dreba.

Yesterday Jack and I had lunch with a friend and her 16 month-old daughter Bella. We were in a little private room so the kids were running around on the floor and Jack has Pink Doll. At one point I look over to see Bella holding Pink Doll and walking, as fast as she could go, away from Jack - holding out one hand to fend off any potential attempts to take the doll back. Her mother made her give Pink Doll back to Jack, but as soon as he got her he walked over and shyly handed her over to Bella. Much praise ensued. He also kneeled down a few times, trying to kiss her - she finally consented to a hug.

Here's Jack trying to give a kiss goodbye to a very unreceptive Bella:

Last night Nate kneeled down in the corner of the kitchen and Jack came over and leaned down to give him a kiss. They spent a while hugging it out afterwards.

But the cutest was yet to come: This morning Jack was sitting next to me on the couch having a cuddle, and I felt him tapping at my cheek. Then he leaned in to kiss where he'd been tapping. Could the child be any sweeter?

Nate's Monthly Newsletter, Three Years Eight Months

2009-05-07T15:52:00.002-04:00

Dear Nate,

Life with you these days is amazing. Mostly the good kind of amazing.

I'm reminded of those months when babies start to blossom and reach for toys, sit up, crawl, walk, and run in such a short time-frame. You are bursting out all over in your own big-boy way.

You've started to pretend a lot - we often have Diego over for lunch, and I make a little plate of food for him at the chair next to yours. We have some fuzzy purple monkeys, a Mama and a baby, and you've taken them on as your babies. You bundle them up in blankets to keep them warm, carry them around your neck, and a few days ago when it was time for your TV show you sat them on the red couch and turned the TV to face them so that they could watch with you. You take yourself, and your friends, on adventures: a few days ago you and Mara built a "beach" in the corner with pillows (and you both stripped down naked to make the experience more realistic)! Instead of just smacking the play-doh around, you used it to build your first ever figure - you call him "Moley."

You have real friends now, too; today when I picked you up you told me that you'd invited Mara to go to Aruba with us. Her Mom and I got quite a kick out of that one. A few days ago when we walked out of school with Mara, you and she held hands for two blocks. You were very pleased with yourself. Today while I'm writing this you're over at Sophia's house; you've reached that age when I can just drop you off to play for a while. (When we were heading to her house you told me "I'll act politely. I'll say thank you politely!") And of course you still have your special friend Bumper. A few nights ago I brought you Bumper while Daddy was putting you to bed. I reminded Daddy the story of when you said that you took care of Bumper and protected him. You liked the story, and reaching for Bumper confirmed "He's my best friend." I had to clench my chest, it hurt so much from the sweetness. You really are so sweet, Nate. It just pours out of you.

You take great care of Jack these days, often ordering me around to make sure his needs are met. If he's in his booster seat and seems restless, you bring him bites of your meal to try to make him happy. If he's crying, you'll tell me "Jack wants to get out!" When you guys are playing on the floor together and he gets sad, you'll run to tell me and order me to go get him and pick him up. "He wants you, Mama! Pick him up, he wants you!" Yesterday you two rolled a ball back and forth for a while, and you still have your favorite "train" game of walking around with Jack holding on to your shirt. You love to sit on the recliner with Jack standing next to it and play "peek a boo" over the arm of the chair, and you recently started that game where you blow your cheeks up and then slap them - Jack adores that one. You make him laugh more than anyone else can. You are very proud of what a good brother you are, smiling when we heap on the compliments for your good behavior.

Just like your Daddy, you're becoming quite a charmer. A few weeks ago I put on some music during lunch and after listening for a while you told me "That's a pretty song!" I was wearing a red t-shirt under a wrap a few days ago; when I took off the wrap you said "You look so cute in your fire shirt!" One of your favorite phrases is "That's a great idea!" when I propose a snack or a game or a craft.

You still want to be involve in everything which makes life a little tough these days. I want so badly to just get through my chores for the day, but there you are forcing me to slow down, let you participate, involve you at almost every turn. I'm not great at it, but I'm really trying.

I've never been one to brag on my kids being geniuses; frankly you've both been pretty average at moving through the milestones. But all of a sudden I'm starting to wonder. You know the numbers up to 39, and you know almost all of the capital letters (you get a little confused on V, W, and Y). At Grandma's house you knew every letter in Froot Loops and today you knew all of the letters in Dinosaur. Today you used a purple crayon to write out your name on your dinosaur drawing, and then wanted to write my name (Mama) and Jack's. We do some schoolwork sometimes, and preschool tries to teach you a bit, but I'm honestly not sure how you're picking it all up so fast. Good thing we're working so hard to get you into a good school next year! You seriously need some professionals helping you out before Daddy and I waste all of your brain power.

We had preschool at Elliott's house yesterday and you were particularly tired and had a full-blown meltdown when it was time to leave. I had to carry you, flailing wildly, through the house to get to our car. The other Moms, and the nannies too, were shocked: they all commented that they'd never seen you cry before. These are women who see you every morning and teach you once a week - but you are normally so good, so even-tempered, that they never have to think twice about your behavior.

You and Jack are hugging, not fighting, in this picture - I promise:

I worry so much that I'm not doing enough for you, not doing right by you. I focus on the mistakes I'm making, the times I'm short with you, the opportunities I've failed to give you. But I look at how sweet you are with Jack, how good you are at school and with your friends, how loving you can be with me when the mood strikes you, and it's clear to me that something is right. I'll hold onto that, and keep working as hard as I can to be a good Mom to you.

I love you so much,
Mama

A true connoisseur

2009-05-06T20:09:00.002-04:00

Clearing out some old items, I found some old crib bumpers that nobody's using. Preparing to trash them, I got Nate intrigued with the idea of making a second "Bumper" out of one of them.

Tonight we took off one of the covers and cut it down to be the same parameters of our beloved Bumper. Nate was happy and took off with both of them. I asked him to give it a test run: stick his thumb in his mouth and stroke the Bumper tassles through his fingers (how he soothes himself to sleep every night). He stopped, gave it a go, and approvingly said "Not bad!"

Reassurance

2009-05-01T13:23:00.002-04:00

I was lying in bed with Nate after reading him a pre-nap story and we were talking about the trip he's taking with Stewart today, up to New York for the weekend. I told him I'd miss him and be thinking about him. He mulled it over for a little while and then said to me:

"Mama, always always always I love you."

(Leah: "Always always always I love you too!")

"But sometimes I have to go someplace."

("I know.")

"But I'll come back."

He went on for a while, with various repetitions of "Always I love you" and "Always I want you." He further explained that sometimes his Mommy or Daddy says he has to go someplace, but that he'll always be back.

Not five minutes before this happened, I had to haul his limp screaming body up the stairs because he was refusing to take a nap. How can just one child be so amazingly soul-fillingly sweet half the time and so grumpy and stodgy the rest?

Jack's Monthly Newsletter, One Year Five Months

2009-04-21T14:04:00.001-04:00

Dear Jack,

Only one day late - not too shabby for me these days! Strange how I was able to keep up with the blog when you were a newborn but find myself faltering these days. Woulda thought it would be the opposite. Anyhow, I'm here now and ready to spill my adoration for you out all over this page.

You are still very adorable. There's just no other way to say it.

Open-mouth smiles all the time, flirting with strangers, you are just the most sweetly social baby I know.

You absolutely adore being outside. When we take Nate to school in the morning, you walk the whole way there and back with me - holding onto my hand most of the way. Any loud engine gets your totally undivided attention; your whole upper body turns around to watch it go by while your little feet keep walking right along with me. Having you hold my hand is such a special feeling for me; Nate was Mr. Independent right from the start and had no interest in walking with me. Heck, he still has no interest in holding my hand! But you do, and it's sweet and warm and soft and trusting and I just love it.

But your favorite thing, by far, is climbing. Stairs, hills, stepstools, ladders - they're the first things you go to. You would be content to climb up and down our stairs for as long as we'd let you; eventually it gets boring to climb around with you so we have to call it quits long before you'd give up. I have started leaving the gate to the basement open; the stairs are carpeted and you show decent judgment about remembering not to just step off the top step the way you used to. You love to stand at the top and throw down anything you can get your hands on.

You still love to grab boxes of cereal off the shelf in the kitchen and sometimes even manage to open them. Daddy was in the basement last week and found you staring down at him from the top, munching away - his favorite part of the photo is the teenage "what of it?" look on your face.

You have just started saying a very few words; even more important you're trying to say things when I prompt you to do it. Your only real word is Dada, and you use it appropriately and consistently and in a gravely adoring voice every time Daddy comes home from work. If it counts, you also say "Mmmmmm....." whenever you eat something you love - and you say it with true relish. When I prompt you to, you can also say Nate ("nah"), Ball ("bah"), Mama ("mah") Banana ("nana", which you ONCE used as a request for a banana in my hand), and Baby ("bah"). We have another assessment at Children's Hospital tomorrow - I'm hopeful that they have some positive feedback for us.

You imitate almost everything physical that we do - playing drums, stomping our feet, spinning around, stretching, and, in the park with my friend Ashley last week, yoga!

But do not let me paint too rosy of a picture. Your up-to-now easy-going nature has morphed into a monster scary to behold: if you feel slighted or denied in any way, you screech a horrible scream and push, cry, wail, and sometimes gently lower yourself to the ground for the pansiest tantrum I've ever seen. If I try to bring you and Nate inside after a walk around the neighborhood, you scream and try to dodge back around my legs to get back outside. Once I have the door safely closed you let go of my legs and just wail with sadness and frustration. If I wasn't laughing, I would definitely feel sorry for you. Yesterday you were standing near me while I was on my laptop; Nate came over to see what I was looking at and you literally tried to push him out of the way, over and over. How dare he stand somewhat nearby to where you might have been thinking about going?!

Truthfully, I think you're going to be far more trouble than Nate. You are so social, outgoing, and now I have to add "determined" to the list...a recipe for parental disaster. But I relish those qualities in you, and I know that in the long run they're going to be huge assets for you.

The world is really yours for the taking. I can't wait to see what you do with it.

I love you,
Mama

Out of the mouths...

2009-04-12T21:47:00.003-04:00

Tonight while Stewart was putting Nate to bed, they were chatting as they always do. After some minutes of discussion, Nate walked his naked self into my bedroom with Daddy close behind.

Nate: "Mama, remember how you said that if a bad guy came to get me then Daddy shouldn't beat them?"

Mama: "I remember. We don't beat anybody."

Nate: "See Daddy?"

Mama: "But if a bad guy comes, Daddy will always stop them! He can hold them tight and call the police!"

Nate: "Yeah, and they'll take him away to jail!"

Nate turned around to leave, and made sure to follow up with Daddy. "See Daddy? We don't beat people. You shouldn't do that."

Lesson learned.

Jack update

2009-03-30T18:04:00.002-04:00

A short Jack update:

Not too much movement on the talking front. My Mom swears he said "leaf" four times yesterday, and he may have said "hi" a few times last week. Today he ran up to me with a plastic crocdile and said "rrrrrrrrr" in his low little growl. That's definitely something.

DC Department of Disability is sending an occupational therapist and a speech pathologist out for an assessment on Friday, and we have a similar appointment at Children's Hospital on April 22nd. I'll see what they have to say - an outside perspective would definitely help me figure out what's what.

He's been entirely weaned off of the bottle onto the sippy cup and his Highness accepts non-microwaved cold milk without sobbing anymore. He's walking quickly enough that it's almost running and still finds great delight in crawling up and down any sets of stairs. He's sleeping through the night almost regularly - last night he went straight from 8 to 7:45 am. I slept like a rock.

Other than that, he's still awfully cute and sweet and I adore him immensely. Obviously.

And did I mention?

2009-03-21T10:54:00.002-04:00

Jack has been sleep-trained, no more milk at night, and he's slept through the night the last four nights! He usually wakes up around 6:30, but two nights ago he slept until 8. That was lovely.

Thanks buddy.

Jack's Monthly Newsletter, One Year Four Months

2009-03-20T09:47:00.001-04:00

Dear Jack,

I was worried about coming up with the words for this newsletter, but I took a look at one of the photos Daddy took of you this month and realized I didn't need to talk at all.

This photo is all Jack.

That is just you. Sweet face, sturdy little chewable body, covered in mud, standing on a sewer grate.

You are less obvious about it than Nate was, but you're just as determined once you set your mind at something. Maybe more determined. If you decide you want to walk somewhere, it doesn't matter how many times I turn you away, point you in another direction, heck I can carry you half a mile away and the minute I set you down you just start walking back to where you wanted to go.

The day Daddy took that picture was at a soccer game we got to see Connor play; you found this one muddy slope that led down to the drain and you walked up and down and up and down. You love to negotiate new terrain - you just joyfully toddle around and around and around. I took you and Nate to Kennedy Rec a few days ago and you just stalked around the big field with a huge grin the whole time.

You and Nate are still so incredibly happy with each other. Sometimes you drive him a little crazy when you take his legos, but yesterday when you dropped a can on your foot and sobbed with pain Nate raced in from the living room to kiss you over and over again. After lunch I let you two watch a show together before naps, and Nate's very happy to let you share his big chair. He doesn't even let me share that chair and I own the darn thing.

You're still not talking but you're making more sounds: woah and nuh-nuh-nuh are your favorites. I spent the night at Grandma's house last week and talked to you on the phone the next morning. I said "Hi Jack! Hi!" and this tiny breathy voice said "hi" right back to me. Three times. I cried after I hung up the phone, and then spent the next week making Daddy promise that he hadn't actually been the one saying "hi" and pretending it was you. You haven't done it since, but I'm keeping the faith. You're waving "hi" and "bye" now, and clap for yourself all the time, which is a relief and super-cute to boot.

You love books, and it's such a joy to come in the room to see you looking through a book. I think most of what you love is the process of turning the pages, but I'll take it where I can get it.

You are still the cutest, happiest kid I've ever known. At the grocery store this morning one of our favorite employees was cooing over you and telling another employee "Even when this baby is sick, he's sweet. He's always like this!" You were grinning at her the whole time, laughing, soaking up the attention.

We get to walk around together now - I don't take the stroller when we pick Nate up at school anymore. You absolutely love walking down the sidewwalks, looking around, stepping on and off everything in your path. If I pick you up to cross a street, or hurry you along a little, you squirm like mad trying to get your feet back on the floor. Sometimes you'll hold my hand when we walk, but mostly you want to go it alone. I usually end up walking in front of you a bit, keeping up with Nate or just moving faster than you, and every single time I turn around and catch your eye you just grin wildly at me. I absolutely cannot get over you.

You are the light of my life.
Love,
Mama

Almost there

2009-03-16T22:39:00.003-04:00

Nate has been just desperate to play with Jack, trying to instigate games and ask him questions. It's painful to watch because I so want to encourage his attempts to play nicely with Jack, but Jack's just too young to understand what Nate wants of him.

Sometimes, though, it all comes together. Jack is finally of service to Nate.

My favorite part is the end where it looks like Jack has run out of patience and grabbed a nearby stick to brain Nate with. In reality he just handed the stick to him; a loyal servant to the end.

Rare sweetness

2009-03-01T20:42:00.002-05:00

A rare moment of emotional sweetness from Nate tonight.

After bathtime, Stewart delivered to me a burrito baby. I put him on our bed to play with him and Nate joined us to jump around and laugh. Naked play is the best.

Jack came over for a cuddle and Nate decided to join him. He lay down on me and realized how warm I was, so he tucked in to stay for a little while. I almost missed it, but he whispered "Mama, you're my best friend."

Argh.

Hello again, my friend

2009-02-28T22:39:00.005-05:00

For the first time in a long time, blogging just hasn't been on my mind. I've let two newsletters slip right by; I never even thought about Jack's. I'm skipping over the Mommy guilt and just trying to get back on the horse.

I want to talk about my Jack. I took this picture right before I had to wake him up to go pick Nate up from school:

Sweet enough for you?

Jack is my heart, my sweet boy. I could watch him toddle around all day. His squeals of laughter and his hugs make my days worthwhile.

So it was especially hard to hear, at his 15 month check-up, that he really should be talking by now. When his total lack of speech was combined with my answering "I'm not sure" to a lot of questions about his verbal comprehension, he was officially tagged "mildly developmentally delayed."

It was a bad week. It sucked the joy out of me, watching his happy face, seeing his quick grins, wondering about the future and about his life.

As the week went on, though, I was able to decide that he was, in fact, doing a lot of the things the pediatrician had quizzed me on. He's imitating: yesterday he put my phone up to his ear, and when I showed him how to stir a spoon in a bowl he tried to mimic it right away. He's following instructions (sometimes): He puts things in the trash when I ask him to and pantomime doing it, he gives things to Daddy when instructed, he looks around for Pink Doll when I ask him where she is.

Plus he's cute.

So what we're left with now: he doesn't often wave, and he definitely doesn't have any words. I'm going to go ahead and do the developmental assessment at Children's Hospital (anticipated appointment is sometime in May - he'll probably be writing novels by then). I'm going to work some with him at home, reading books and talking even more.

Part of the reason I wasn't really able to answer the pediatrician's questions was that Jack is such a happy, easy kid that I don't have to do too much "parenting" with him. While Nate's at school he putters around upstairs with me, dismantling the house while I pay bills and make phone calls. When Nate's home he's content to run around with him and dismantle the living room. He's all grins and cuddles all day. At a birthday party this morning the Dad decided to stop calling him "Baby Jack" and start calling him "Happy Jack." He charms everyone he comes across, grinning at them and ducking his head into my chest.

He's just the light of my life, and if I could give up a kidney to make sure he's going to end up being okay I'd do it in a second. If you have any extra thoughts, or kidneys, to send our way I'll receive them gratefully.

Dear Sweet Nate

2009-02-17T16:15:00.002-05:00

I wrote your Three Years, Five Months Newsletter. I typed it out and loaded it up, ready to add the photos and publish from Aruba.

It's totally gone, and I'm so sorry. I'll rock the next one, I promise.

Love,
Mama

Snow!

2009-01-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

Jack's Monthly Newsletter, One Year Two Months

2009-01-20T20:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Jack,

Today was an amazing, joyful day. Horizons have broadened and mountains have moved. You turned 14 months old today, and you finally started clapping.

Oh, and Barack Obama became President of the United States. I hear there was some excitement about that, too.

I'd been starting to worry a bit about your development; a quick glance at the What to Expect Toddler Years book shook me a bit. They were talking about the 12-month checkup and how I should make sure to tell the doctor all of your new skills: pattycake (nope!), clapping (nope!), waving (once, but never again). They were talking about words you should be using (nuh-huh) and it started to scare me - they were talking about the 12-month checkup and you were about to turn 14 months! I talked it over with Daddy and Deborah and they helped me relax a bit.

Writing this letter has helped, too - noticing all of the progress you've made, even if it's not verbal. Your clapping is what put my fears to rest, finally. It really was almost as exciting as Mr. Obama's inauguration for me.

You really are changing so much. One of your favorite new games when we're upstairs is finding a toy you love and fitting it through the rails of the hallway banister so that it falls down onto the stairs. Then you stick your arms and legs through, one at a time, to try to somehow get the item back. Then you screech at me until I come get it for you or until you find a new toy to torture yourself with.

You take such joy in being able to walk around. You love to walk back and forth downstairs and you light up with joy each time I come back into your line of sight. You grin and gasp and do your funny "happy walk" where you imitate a monkey - your knees bent and your arms dangling in front of you. When music is on you still do your Stevie Wonder imitation but now you also turn around in circles while you're "dancing." Honestly, Jack, you're just the sunniest kid I've ever known.

Deborah was holding you a few weeks ago and she asked you "Where's Nate" and you pointed right at him. If I'm holding you, you point where you want me to carry you. You love to share whatever you have - your bottle, your crackers, anything. You gorilla-walk up to whoever has caught your eye and foist your gifts upon them. They get extra points if they mime eating it while saying "Num num num" and handing it back to you. Simple pleasures.

Your favorite favorite games are the "I'm gonna get you!" variety. Daddy gets down on his hands and knees and tries to "eat your piggies" and you squeal and "run" and look behind you to make sure he's following you. You can keep it up as long as his knees can take it.

Here's a funny thing that you've been doing since you were first able to hold onto things, months and months ago: if I hand you something, you take it with the very tips of your fingers - a new toy, food, whatever. Even with how unstable it is, you always reach for it with the tips, and if you decide you like it you'll get a better hold on it. When I give you a new food, you poke it with your pointer finger for a while before deciding whether or not to try it (you always end up trying it).

The very best part of this month has been watching you and Nate start to really play with each other. When you grab his shirt Nate will start to walk and the two of you will cruise around like a little train - you grinning with joy and Nate grinning with pride. Tonight Nate came up to you and started dancing around and singing, and you started dancing back and Nate just giggled with the fun of it all. Later he was lying on the couch on his stomach playing a game on Deborah's phone, you toddled up to take a look. Nate turned to you and said in his sweety-high-pitched-Jack-voice "You see what I'm doing, Jack? You wanna watch? Okay!" I know you guys are going to have your rough spots, but so far you guys are so amazing together. I'm just so proud of you both I can hardly keep myself from bragging to random strangers.

Everyone is drawn to you and you are drawn to everyone. You're a Mama's boy, but you love everyone you come across. Today I left you with neighbor Sara while I went to check out the festivities; you looked startled when I handed you over, and you cried for half a second when I left, but you quickly got back to the joy of it all like you always do.

I don't know what I did to deserve you in my life, Jack, but I'm so grateful for whatever it was. You are a gift, a joy, a blessing. I'm so glad you were born.

Love,
Mama

Meatballs

2009-01-15T13:52:00.002-05:00

A few days ago Nate and I were making meatballs for our afternoon cooking activity. We call them "Nanny meatballs" - it's a once-a-year event where we use the the leftover gravy from the Chanukah brisket to make meatballs. The brisket recipe is amazing, and the gravy it creates is sweet and tangy and mouth-watering and about as easy as it gets. If you want the recipe, leave a comment! Also, don't you think "meatballs" is a pretty terrible word? We're making balls of meat for dinner. Not too appetizing.

Anyway, the meatballs are delicious, and it was my Nanny's idea to make them that way. So once a year I make them, and this year Nate was helping. We were up at the counter and trying to roll them out; it was tough for Nate because ground turkey is really soft and hard to roll. So I decided to have him quit and I nuked him a meatball in the microwave to keep him busy while I finished up.

He ate it and loved it and immediately asked for more. I told him he'd have more for dinner, and slid the tray of meatballs into the oven. Nate's pretty darn observant and wondered why I cooked his meatball in the microwave instead of the oven. I told him it was because I wanted him to have one right away because I love him so much.

We went on talking and cleaning and a few minutes later he said "You made me a meatball because you love me right now?" Thinking it was a moment of parental crisis, I stopped what I was doing and looked right at him and said "Nate, I love you all the time." And he said "If you love me, you'd make me another meatball."

The end.

Good momming moment

2009-01-10T19:46:00.002-05:00

Nate's taken to hating bathtime, and taking away his afternoon nap leaves him even more cranky when the dreaded bath time comes around. The fact that he loves the bath once he's in it, and I usually have to work to get him out, doesn't seem to bear on the situation.

Most of the time Stewart handles baths while I work (or, more accurately, hide in my bedroom), and tonight Nate just sobbed while Stewart took Jack up to get the bath started. I waited for a while, then went down to him. I picked him up and held him, asked him what was wrong, murmured for a bit.

When he calmed down, I started to commiserate over how much it stinks to have to do things we don't want to do. I said "Sometimes I don't want to do the dishes" and he said "Sometimes I don't want to take a bath." I said "Sometimes I don't want to go to bed" and he said "Sometimes I don't want to go to school." We came up with a few more each, and then I said "It stinks that we have to do things we don't want to do!" and started walking up the stairs with him still in my arms.

We talked a little about how much it stinks to have to do things we don't want to do, but how we have to just go ahead and do them anyway. I walked him into the bathroom and we told Stewart what we were talking about, and when I put Nate down he started getting himself undressed for the bath.

It feels so good to solve a problem without losing my temper, or using threats, or using time-out...just talking with him and being with him, and still getting done what we need to get done. I guess it's up to me to make sure we have a little more of that in our lives.

And so it begins.

2009-01-08T18:59:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking for a long time that gymnastics would be a great sport for Nate: he's tough as nails, really wants to do a job right, likes to do things by himself, has a lot of energy, he's really agile, takes direction well, and he's really coordinated. I tried him in a class a year ago but he had just hit his shy phase and just couldn't bear to have the teacher telling him what to do. He's over that now, and frankly he's a bit of a stick-in-the-mud at school; he always wants everyone to sit still and listen to the teacher. Anyway...

Today I took him to "open gym" at a gym about 25 minutes away and he just loved it. The video is the second time he'd ever done this manuever; it only took me about 10 seconds to show him how to do it the first time he stepped up to it.

He's clearly a gymnastical genius. We're moving to wherever Bela Karoli lives, stat.

Nate's Monthly Newsletter, Three Years Four Months

2009-01-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Nate,

You are such a little boy now; I almost can't believe the conversations and interactions we have. I rarely have to "dumb down" anything I'm asking you, and just have to simplify a bit when I'm answering your questions. You haven't gotten into the complex ones yet, thank goodness for that, but you're passionate about understanding your world.

I don't have a lot of other three year-olds to compare you to, but a lot of what you do and ask seems to be based on trying to organize your world so that you can understand it. You ask a lot of questions like "Is that a Mommy job or a Nate job?" (I tell you that dangerous tasks are "Mommy jobs" so that you know you're not allowed to do them.) You want to know what words mean, how things work - you really listen and study our explanations. Tonight we were reading a Thomas book and it mentioned a plow - I told you that it scoops up the dirt so that farmers can plant seeds. You looked at it for a while, then asked me where the dirt goes after it's scooped up - you really thought about it. Smart boy.

It's been a great relief to find that I can really trust your lead in what you're ready to accomplish. I left the potty training mostly in your hands, and it was much easier than expected. A few days ago you refused to wear a diaper at night any more, so I let it be and you've done great. A month or two ago you asked me to take the rails off of your bed and you haven't fallen out once.

These days you're expressing a lot of interest in knowing if something's a letter or a number, which letter it is, what worlds say...so I knew it was time to start working on "school" with you. You've been ready to give up your nap for a while now - the days you nap you're not falling asleep until 11 pm! So out with the nap and in the afternoons, while Jack naps, you and I do a little school at the dining room table. Right now we're working on tracing to build up your penmanship (well, crayon-ship in this case). After "school" we do a few chores and then we work on cooking dinner together. It's so nice to spend some one-on-one time with you - with Jack asleep, you and I get to take our time and really work together.

The questions never stop these days, the talking goes on and on, and the sassy has gotten to teenage proportions. Your response to every single unwanted thing that I ask you to do is "But Mommmmmm......" When you procrastinate doing whatever unwanted thing I've asked you to do, prompting me to ask you again, I get to hear you insist "I am doing it" when you're totally not. Trust me, kid, I have to spend enough time nagging your father - I'm getting no joy out of asking you again.

On the other hand, you've turned into a world-class helper around here. Sometimes your desire to be around me all the time we're home, to participate in every move I make, can be frustrating, but the truth is that you really do try to be helpful. If we're getting dressed to leave the house, I can ask you to get Jack's shoes for me and you're back with them in a flash. When we decide to make smoothies for snack, you go right to the cabinet and pull out the blender base and the jar and you put them up on the counter for us to use. When we're cooking I can give you blocks of tofu and you'll cut it into small pieces, and yesterday you helped me cut up the whole head of celery into snackable-sized pieces. You really did it, then helped me bag them up to put in the fridge. Thank you for your help, Nate.

We spent some time with your Richmond cousins over the holidays and you just soaked up every second with Connor. He was so incredibly kind to you, and really seemed to enjoy playing with you. You guys spent hours together and I was so happy for you. I hope it's a relationship you guys always have; I guess Daddy and I will have to work to make sure that happens.

I got you a train set for your big Chanukah present, and you've really enjoyed it. When you saw it for the first time, you just lit up:

Today I got to listen to you downstairs playing with it and it gave me such a thrill. Not just the fact that you were playing alone...by yourself...without me, but hearing you participating in the world, thinking of your own games, being yourself independent of us, makes me so happy. Until you see your own children breaking away from you, living in the world by themselves, you won't understand but it's one of my deepest joys.

You are one of my two deepest joys, Natey.
I love you,
Mama

One down, one to go!

2009-01-01T12:09:00.002-05:00

We officially have only one child in diapers. Nate was a rockstar and pulled a dry bed on his first night without a diaper.

I officially swear by this method of potty-training: wait until your kid is BEGGING you to use the potty, then wait another 2 weeks, and then "let" them. To get them out of diapers during naps, wait until they're adamant about not wanting to use a diaper, then make them use it for another 2 weeks, and then "let" them go without. Ditto for night-time diapers.

This has been the easiest process! Laziness wins the day!

Milestone Moment!

2009-01-01T00:02:00.002-05:00

Tonight while Stewart was cooking dinner, I was holding Jack in front of the mirror in the living room. I tried waving at him for the ten trillionth time and he waved back. Yay!

My sweet boy

2008-12-31T23:48:00.003-05:00

I'm teaching Nate to go to the bathroom by himself at night without calling for me; we're down to our last 5 night-time diapers and I figure we'll give it a shot without them. He's been without diapers during the day forever now, and I've been skipping diapers during naptime with no problem, so I figure the night-time will go pretty smoothly. Tonight's our first night going cold-turkey.

About a half hour ago, I heard him leave his room and use the bathroom but I realized he was just lingering at the top of the stairs instead of going back to his room. I headed up and walked him back to his bed, we talked for a few minutes and I tucked him back in.

As I was pulling the blanket up, I heard him say something. When I questioned him, he told me he was just talking to Bumper. I asked if he loved Bumper and he said yes. He said "I hug him like this" and he showed me how he'd tucked Bumper underneath him. Then he said "I take care of him...I protect him."

Happy New Year, everyone.

I Like Pie

2008-12-27T00:05:00.002-05:00

Jack's Monthly Newsletter, Month Thirteen

2008-12-22T13:39:00.005-05:00

Dear Jack,

Late, late, late. I swore I wouldn't let myself start doing this, but I guess that late's better than not-at-all.

Literally as I type these words, you are trucking back and forth our upstairs hallway with a used diaper in your hands. Gross? Yep. Disgusting, frankly. But it's all folded and bound up so the pee's on the inside, and it's a little ball of happiness to you. Clean diapers, used diapers, you love them all. You don't do anything with them, just carry them around. I try to keep the trashcans off the floor to keep you from getting at them, but you always find the ones I forgot to move. Right now you're trying to figure out how to hold onto your precious diaper and still pick other things up off the floor. Not being terribly successful, but not letting go of the diaper either.

You're not an obviously willful child, but you are quietly stubborn and I love you for it. When we move something out of your grasp, or thwart you in a project, you don't put up much of a fuss but you don't give up easily either. Best of both worlds, I think. Nobody loves a pushover, and it wouldn't stand you in good stead to be one. Keep at it, baby.

Walking is second nature now, and you're starting to step over thresholds and negotiate harder paths. You walk along with your feet turned out for stability and your butt sticking out; if I could video-tape every second you're mobile, I would. You're too cute.

You're really into music these days, swaying from side to side whenever you hear a tune on the radio or TV. Sometimes you add in a little knee-bounce, but you're best at the Stevie Wonder sway. You occasionally add in some droning, and I'm fairly sure you're actually singing in your own mind.

Did I mention that you had absolutely no interest in your birthday cake? None? You have a texture thing when it comes to food. If I try to hand you something unfamiliar or put new food on your tray, you'll draw your hands back and then very gingerly poke at the intruding food. Poke, poke, maybe a little smear, and then a tiny taste. Then you stuff your face full. Except the cake - you didn't stuff the cake. I'm truly not exaggerating when I say that you ignored it all, even after I pushed a shmear of icing through your lips so you could taste it on your tongue. You ended up eating grape tomatoes and red pepper slices, and your brother gave up after a few bites of cake and asked for more salad. Funny boys.

You do, however, love chocolate. A lot.

The last few weeks have been so tough for you with ear infections and RSV, coughing and congestion. We put the cherry on top last night when we let you fall down the basement stairs. You were totally fine; I'm still shaken. It was my fault, Jack, and I'm really sorry.

We continue to be amazed by your sweet nature, your contentment, your delight at life. You have a smile for almost everyone, even if you're ducking your head into my chest while you grin.

You are my sweetest heart, full of love-struck sighs, open-mouth kisses, and total grins of delight when you see me. I know you're going to grow and change, and you'll fall out of love with me just the way you're supposed to. I wouldn't hold you back even if I could, but all the same I'm already missing this love, this joy, this sweetness between us.

I'm so glad you were born.

Love,
Mama

Sunrise, Sunset

2008-12-20T10:32:00.002-05:00

Nate had his first sleep-over last night at the house of his beloved Sophia.

We headed over around 4 and cased the joint. I'd verbally walked him through it a few times, how he was going to have dinner with Sophia and her Mommy and Daddy, and that they'd read his bedtime stories, and that when he woke up in the morning he'd still be at Sophia's house.

I wasn't sure he understood but he was only 10 houses away and I knew they'd call if they needed me. At 11 when I went to bed, I was fairly shocked that I hadn't gotten a call yet. At 3:30 in the morning, my phone rang - Nate had woken himself up coughing and was too upset to calm down. I carried him home and got him back to sleep at home.

When he woke up this morning, I wasn't surprised to see that he was sick, probably with Jack's RSV. It's amazing, but I think if he hadn't been feeling sick he would have stayed there all night. He's a trooper, that kid of mine, and he's such a little Man now.

Quarantine

2008-12-19T13:49:00.003-05:00

There is nothing sadder than hearing your baby cough and moan while he's sleeping (fitfully).

Jack's been as sick as he's ever been this past week: fever, cough, the runniest nose I've ever experienced. He's also been the saddest I've ever seen him: clingy, crabby, needy. He tried to maintain good humor, often smiling through the tears, but he was truly feeling awful. You could see it just looking at him, with his red-rimmed eyes and sad face. He's been so weak that he can't even walk very far without collapsing, sending him into fresh fits of weeping. Here's the epitome of sick for Jack: he was refusing both bottles and food. It's been hard for him to sleep because the ear infection hurt, and the congested nose meant he couldn't breathe well or suck a pacifier, so he's been extra-cranky from being so tired. A big mess.

Diagnosis: ear infection and RSV. Initially scared me to death what with all the frightening commercials about infants and RSV. Turns out that it is scary if you have an infant with RSV, but not if you have a hearty and healthy one year-old. Then it's just a cold. A really bad cold with a fever. When I was leaving the doctor on Wednesday the super-cute receptionist said "It wasn't positive for RSV, right?" and when I said it was positive she said "Oh god, you're going to have a long week." Truth in advertising!

But the fever finally broke last night and he got some sleep for a change. When he woke up at 3 am and Stewart brought him a bottle he lunged at it, drank it down, and slept the rest of the night. He was still cranky as heck this morning but he ate a hearty lunch for a change and was in much better spirits afterwards.

All I could think about all week were the parents of really sick kids. Being honest, it brought me to tears several times seeing him so miserable and out-of-sorts. I know I could do it if I had to, but the thought of watching him face something really serious, really scary, makes my heart clench. I'd do anything to make sure my kids stay safe.

From my lips to God's ears, right?

Independence Day

2008-12-18T18:21:00.000-05:00

Nate was always an old soul, but I'm a little surprised by how fast everything has gone. He's given up Mama or Mommy for Mom some of the time, and insists on being alone in the bathroom (though he still tries to spend most of the day naked). He's taken off all the railings on his bed and hasn't yet fallen out, and would prefer to do almost everything by himself. His favorite time of day is helping me with almost any project - carrying heavy things, taking out the trash, carrying in the groceries, cooking dinner, helping with Jack.

Stewart and I were going out to a party last night while Deborah stayed with the boys. I gave Nate my little talk about using his manners, and listening to Deborah, and I asked him to help her take care of Jack. He agreed and a few minutes proudly told me "If Jack starts crying, I'll help Deborah and I'll make him happy."

The kindness and goodness in his heart is just overwhelming to me.

Walking boy!

2008-12-14T18:46:00.003-05:00

As I was writing Nate's last newsletter about blogging the important events in his life I realized I had entirely neglected to mention that Jack is walking! And if my addled memory cooperates, I think I even have dates for the big event.

For a while he would take one staggery step and fall into my arms; I don't really consider that walking. That went on for a month or so.

On November 24th I took him to the pediatrician in hopes that there was something fixable wrong with him that would explain the hellish previous 6 nights we'd had with him. Long story short, he was in perfect health. Drat. Anyway, while we were in the waiting room a cute little girl held out a red block to him and my sweet potato took 19 little steps across the room to her. So cute.

About 4 days ago, he graduated from the side-to-side shuffle to more of a forward step - he's getting downright confidant. Tonight I watched him step over the large threshold into the kitchen without falling down.

My big boy!

Oh, he also had his first lollipop. He was crying hysterically in the back of the car, rare for him - he usually travels wonderfully. But he was overtired and so was I, so I stuck a sacred DumDum in his mouth and the crying stopped the instant the lollipop hit his tongue. Love at first taste.