A non-post

I want to write about my new son Jack, and how he sleeps all day and eats all night, and how he's very small and peanut-ey to me. And to show some pictures and maybe even try to compare how he looks with how his brother looks.

I want to write about my older son Nate, and how he is breaking my heart with his goodness and sweetness and love towards Jack, and how he asks "Baby okay?" when Jack cries, and how he holds him really gently and touches his hands. I want to find some possible way to express my love for this kid who smiles and laughs and dances and teases me while we wait to see his pediatrician who tells us that he has a horrible ear infection, "globules" in his throat, and "just a little bit" of pneumonia.

I want to write how it's hard to sit down and write while you have a cathetar and a bag of pee strapped to your leg, and it seems crazy that it stops me from writing but it does and who knows why?

I want to write about contractions, and how they do feel like menstrual cramps, but only if menstrual cramps now feel like a burning fire in the uterus that doesn't stop and just keeps going and going no matter what you do.

Maybe I can write it all when the bag of pee is gone. Maybe I'll find words for my life. Today I sat in the recliner and nursed Jack while Stewart and my Mom played marbles with Nate on the floor and Nate kept grinning up at me and asking me questions and getting up to dance and I just don't think I will ever find the words.