Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Nate notes

Dear Nate,

As always, these days, our relationship is so conflicted. You want what you want when you want it, and it seems I'm the one thwarting you most of the time. I try so hard to make the "have-to's" of our daily life as fun as I can, but I'm still the "mean Mom" shuttling you back and forth from obligations, keeping you from your precious TV and video games, and putting cous-cous down in front of you at dinner. Daddy plays games with you and has endless patience; it's no shocker that he's your favorite. I'm keeping at it though, stepping in to play Slapperjack and board games with you, and we've started a pillow-fight tradition in the evenings before you head off to bed. I'm not letting you go without a fight, Natey.

I want to talk to the grown-up you for a minute, the 20-year old that you'll be, God willing, some day. The 30-year old, setting down into "real life." The 40-year old Daddy and husband:

I tried to make sure your favorite clothes were clean to wear to school. I tried to make sure you had "trendy" clothes so you wouldn't get made fun of. I tried to keep your hair looking cute. I tried to remember to send you to school in a costume on "dress-up" days. I tried to make your healthy lunches as fun as possible so you wouldn't feel deprived. I tried to buy you the popular toys, so you'd have the "cool things" to play with. I tried to keep the TV off so you'd learn to entertain yourself and be happy alone, in your own skin. I tried to relax, so you'd be a relaxed person. I tried to introduce you to good music so you'd learn to love it as much as I do. I tried not to gossip or talk negatively in front of you so you'd be a more positive person than I am. I tried to be my best self in front of you all the time so you'd have a good example to learn from.

I was sometimes snappy and impatient, and I regret it. Life sometimes feels a little crazy for me - too busy, too rushed, too harried - and I'm not a "roll with the punches" kind of girl. I am really sorry.

But I want you to know how much I love you, how much I like you, how hard I tried to be a better person than I actually am so that you'd have the best life possible.

And I want you to know something else: I never once blamed you or was mad at you for loving Daddy more than me. You have the most amazing Dad in the world and I totally understand. I just hope as a grown-up you can see that while I wasn't always on the floor playing "piggies" with you, I was there in the kitchen cutting up the veggies for your lunches and researching summer camps and making sure you were signed up for gymnastics.

I love you Nate, at every age. Can't wait to meet the guy who's reading this one day!


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