As expected, I'm thinking about death a lot these days. I already checked Nate every hour or two when he was sleeping, and I now have to keep myself from going in even more frequently.
I get twinges in my calves, especially after a good walk, and I start waiting for the clot to hit my lungs or heart. I think about what would happen if I died, Nate stuck in his crib screaming and nobody coming for him.
I don't think I'm going to die, and I surely hope that Nate won't. But just in case, I want to post a few things for record-keeping purposes. I recommend that you all do the same - out of kindness for the family you'll leave behind if the worst should happen.
I want to be creamted, and my ashes buried in the ground somewhere nice. I want a casual service with people laughing and telling stories. I want Stewart to quit his job and stay home with our kids as long as possible. I want him to re-marry someone who will be nice to my kids.
I don't want to be kept on a ventilator if there's no chance of me becoming me again. I want to donate any usable organs.
Stewart will know where to find all of my important computer documents. All of our important papers are in the safe or in the files under my desk, and all of our important "contacts" are in my Outlook. I pay the bills on-line once a week. Don't forget about the ING accounts. Stewart should know all of my passwords. Mom has a copy of our will.
I intend to keep this site a secret from Nate until he's an adult (otherwise I can't write about his antics with a clear conscience). But if something happens to me, print out the monthly newsletters for him. Tell him that everything I did was for him.
Now, off to LIVE this life of mine. The laundry needs folding and the food needs cooking, and I'm so glad to get to do it.