Wednesday, November 30, 2005


I feel like everything is getting away from me. Nate is getting so big and grown-up, and I'm scared I won't remember the way he looked and acted, since I'm already forgetting how he was just weeks ago. I keep pushing Stewart to take more photos and more video. I don't want to forget a single second, and I know I'm going to. Sigh.

Right now, he's stuck between smiling these huge grins and laughing. I know the laugh is coming, but he just doesn't do it yet. I'm already one of those parents - I wanted him to smile, and he does. Now I'm pushing him to do the next thing! Nothing ever satisfies these demanding parents.

I was talking with a friend today about our deliveries. We both had tough ones, in different ways. I was telling her about the details, and it all came crashing in how incredibly sad I am about the day Nate was born. I feel shockingly sorrowful about everything I missed out on. When they finally pulled him out, all I felt was relief that it was over. When he wasn't crying, I wasn't scared. When they brought him around the screen, I was happy to see him, but I was still so freaked out about the surgery. I don't remember his first cry. I don't remember nursing him for the first time. Most: I wish, wish, wish I could have seen him be born.

I'm not too sentimental, and I'm surprised at how raw I feel about this. I would do almost anything to go back and experience it differently. I keep asking Stewart - you really didn't see him come out of me? And he didn't. He was busy keeping me sane, and I don't resent him for it for a moment. But I can't believe our son was born without the deep rejoycing that the moment deserved. I can't believe that he was quiet and not breathing, and I wasn't praying for him every second. I can't believe that I missed it all.

I'm sorry, Nate. If I had known then what I know now, I would have gotten over my stupid panic and spent every second thinking about you.


Anonymous said...

I'm catching up on the reading I've missed during school...and I'm crying (good tears) at your letters to him. You sound so content and happy and I love it! But I'm so sad that you feel sad about "missing" his birth. I don't know how it feels, of course, but I think you being sad about that is like those people who are sad about their wedding day mishaps. Its not about the day, its about the life afterwards. It was just a brief moment and what you missed doesn't compare to him being born safely; and that's why he was born the way he was - to make sure that he was healthy. And he is, so you should be happy that it happened like it did.

Oh, yeah, and this is from Aunt Deborah...

Anonymous said...

Okay, "should" be happy is a little too strong a word. But it happened the way it was supposed to happen - and you have a beautiful, happy, HEALTHY son because of it.

Anonymous said...

And that was from me, too...Nate's Auntie Deborah