I had a little breakdown today.
In the last five months I've gotten to sleep through the night one time, and the last three days have been especially brutal. Jack was up at least once every hour and a half last night, inconsolable without being nursed. I raged at Stewart but it did nothing to make my little one sleep longer.
I got up today assuming I could push through, like I've been most days, and rallied the boys off to the zoo. We walked and walked, and saw everything Nate wanted to. Got them home, fed lunch, changed, settled, all with patience and humor and pride in my mothering. Got Nate down for a nap, and when Jack fought his like he always does I realized that I didn't have one molecule left in my body that could deal with him. I called Stewart and he recognized my distress. He started arrangements to leave the office, and I left Jack to cry in his crib for the first time. Jack was asleep in just minutes, and then I was too. Stewart came home soon after, and when I woke up at 5 the house was empty and quiet.
I felt peaceful for the first time in days. Thankful for my sunny bedroom, my husband who rode to the rescue, and my great kids from whom I need to schedule a small break.